Quotidian

By James Khoo

Act 1

Lights up to a room containing a table and fridge. There are a large collection of various other appliances, nic-nacks Samantha Golightly and Karen Sqwab are sitting opposite one another. There is the sound of dripping tap (this should be played throughout the play, except when the infomercials cut in).Sam and Karen sit at the kitchen table for several mins. Sam frets at a Metcard until she drops a small coil of cardboard on the table.

Karen: Did you just make a roach?

Sam: Yep

Karen: Shall we roll a joint?

Sam: Yeah, why not?

They go into cooking show mode. Karen gets up from her chair and begins producing the articles required to roll a blunt. Papers first, the pouch of tobacco over and then a large ziplock bag of weed. They both sit staring at the articles for a moment.

Karen: Don’t feel like rolling?’

Sam: Not really, no, feels like I always get stuck rolling

Karen :That’s because you’re so good at it dude, with great power comes great responsibility! Besides mine are mostly shit, waste of hard chased spliff’

Sam puts a little willow patterned bowl on the table and starts making a mix

Karen: That’s a bit brown isn’t it Sam? Go on, put a bit more in, don’t worry I’m catching up with Davian tomorrow

Sam adds another whole bud and takes out a pair of dress maker’s scissors and begins to chop.

Karen: Here Sam, here’s a bit of mul I hadn’t smoked last night

Karen produces a battered blue tin and passes it to Sam, who empties it the contents into the bowl and starts rolling a two paper joint.

Karen: Hey Sam, Sam, Sammy, Sam, Hey Sam

Sam: What?

Karen: You know what we need? What we should get, it would make our lives so much easier!

Sam: What?

Karen: A muller uppera

Sam: A what?

Karen: A Muller uppera,

Sam: what the fucks that?

Karen: A mull machine. Sounds like a small town don’t you think? Mulleruppera. Next time someone asks me where I’m from, I’m going to say Mulleruppera and they’ll ask where that is and I’ll say, oh its fuckin up north mate, deep north mate, fuckin deep north

Sam: Fuckin deep north, deep fuckin north Kazza

Karen: Too right Shazza, n ‘ow longs it take yahta roll a fuckin joint ay cunt?

Sam: S’all dun cunt, get ya lips n lungs round that cunt , cunt

Sam lights it, takes two long tokes, holding the smoke in and then passes it to Karen. From here the characters will take it in turns to roll joints, constantly.

Karen: Fuck that’s a good fucking two paper, pulls well, good weight in the bell end, packed just right, not too tight, I wish I could do that, shit

Karen starts coughing profusely and hysterically

Sam: Just takes practice K, like anything, need some water?

Karen keeps coughing, clapping a hand over her mouth blood fountaining from between her fingers

‘

Karen: No, no, that’s fine, I’ll grab myself a beer’

Karen gets up and goes to the ice box. Organs fall onto the floor from behind to open fridge door as Karen continues to cough and search for beer. Sam gets up to pass her the joint, she stands behind Karen passing the joint back and forth for a while.

Karen: You got a bottle opener Sam?

Sam produces a Family Guy bottle opener and hands it to Karen. Karen flips the top onto the tiles and a grainy little fart followed by The Conceited Giggle is audible.

Sam: I’ve gotta toss that piece of shit

Karen takes a swig of her beer, which cures the coughing, she hands one to Sam

Karen: Oh Sam don’t, its hella funny, it might be worth something one day

Sam: Its junk K, tatty merch they churn out in unimaginable volumes to fill those gimmicky novelty shops you hate and to add a spectre of a sense of value to impulse purchasing of overpriced DVDs

Karen: The spectre of value is haunting the free bourgeoisie liberal, free enterprise, free market, free unfettered late capitalist world!

Sam: Very succinct

Karen: Why do you have it then, if you hate it so much?

‘

Sam: I was lush and I stole it

Karen: Then I’m stealing it from you, I rather like it

Sam: Be my guest

Karen: Can I have your Raybands too? The torty ones? They’re, shit, hot

Sam: No, why would I give you those?

Karen: You stole them from Alfonso, didn’t you?

Sam: Yes, but I like them Karen

Karen: I can’t have them?

Sam: No, you can’t Kazza

Karen: How is Alfonso anyway? How’s his travels? You going to pass that dutch you big bogart bitch or sing a song into it? Pass the mic, pass the mic!

Sam: Shit, sorry, fuck knows, here take it, hey look K, 10 to go, time to shout “go fuck yourself!”

Karen: Is he incommunicado again? Jesus wept Sam, this is green up in this ma’

Sam: You said you wanted it herbaceous bro, no he’s not answering his phone

Karen: You did call at 4.30 in the am, trippin balls

Sam: And who’s idea was it to trip that night? I didn’t realise it was 4.30 there did I? Fuck, he was wasted anyway, shit, fuck, ashed in the fucking mix bowl

Karen: Fucking hell

There is the massively exaggerated sound of a door creaking open and a grey, sweaty, palpitating Clovis Jones sticks his head through the fridge door

Karen: Hello Clovis, what’s shaking?

Clovis: Hello Hello

Clovis Jones, extremely twitchy and unsettled, climbs out of the fridge

Sam: How’s the come down Clove?

Clovis: Less said the better

Karen: Have some of this drugs reefer style spliff doobie and calm yourself down. Oh and BTW, NNTC

Clovis: NNTC?

Karen: Nice New Threads Cunt

Karen passes Clove the joint, who takes his place in the rolling/smoking order

Clovis: Yes, they just arrived

Karen: From where?

Clovis: Online store

‘

Karen: Online Store ay? Nice, nice

Clovis sits down

Karen: I like the pockets on your shorts

Sam: They’re like little bats wings

Karen: They’re bat shorts

Clovis: Batman wouldn’t wear shorts

Sam: Sure he would, when the tragic superhero thing is getting him down and he goes to hang out on one of his private tropical islands.

Clovis: Ye… yeah, yeah well I guess, Bruce Wayne might at least but they’d be like, camoflaged BatUtility shorts, capable of total radar stealth, anti-freeze ball coddling, diamond tether rapine rope deloyment, anti grav, GPS enabled, styled over martinis with Donatella Versace…. and come with an extra WaterproofTowel.org webcapable, multi OS conversant, Protocol Tablet Towel (PTTv2.3GTR). He’s superhero after all.

Enter Leslie Beauxtucks and Randolpho Krebeshocker

Leslie: That’s right Clovis! The brand new Protocol Tablet Towel is multi OS conversant, for all your OS conversational needs. Hi, I’m Leslie Beauxtucks, you might know me from such lifestyle newsflashes as The Sexcercise home fitness Jamboree! Yellow plus Blue, Protein Master Sachet Chef! And “Support our Troops, put your name on a smart bomb, live chat prayerathon!”

Randolpho: That’s right Leslie and I’m Randolpho Krebesshocker, king of Axebelt 2.0, prince of the Erinsborough Revival Baptist Real-Testament Fun Hope Faith Congress Gathering Movement and duke of Proposition 459, vote ‘Yes’ on 459!

Leslie: That’s right Randolopho and we’re here to talk to you here today about the new and improved Protocol Tablet Towel PTTv2.3GTR, a webcapable, mutli conversant, webcapable tablet built right into a large, fluffy, multi purpose towel to enhance its webcapabilities. Now I know you might be asking gee-whiz Leslie, I just went out and bought a Protocol Tablet Towel PTTv2GTR, what’s so great about this product?

Randolpho: That’s right Leslie, you might be asking that and the simple answer is, everything. Sound silly, sounds crazy but really everything is great and everything is different about this product from the webcapability, to the multi OS conservation, to the light and handy towel format, this product really stands apart from all others

Leslie: That’s right Randolpho, this product is both a continuation of the great, convenient, stylish products you’ve come to expect from Protocol and a radical break from the great, convenient and stylish products you come to expect from Protocol, while containing to provide the great standards in style and convenience you’ve come to expect, as Protocol customers

Randolopho: That’s right Leslie, like the auto-targeting, headshot guaranteed, iRifle 3.0 that Protocol’s parent companies are delboying onto our nations battlefields, the Protocol Tablet Towel PTTv2.3GTR is a real game changer. Now you have a towel that is full webcapable and congenital with multiple OS

Leslie: That’s right Randolpho, now you can have a truly advanced Towel that lets you surf the web, convert multi OS and live in Protocol Miasma. And if you call us in the next ten minuets and let us bill your credit card number, you can pre pre pre request that an order be made for one when the Protocol Tablet Towel PTTv2.3GTR comes out in six months, shipping in nine.

Randolpho: That’s right Leslie, and not only that but for our first ten customers, we will also give you an exclusive VIP code to find out more about Protocol’s newest and most exciting upcoming product codemained, the Protocol Tablet Hanky!

Leslie: Wow, what a truly amazing offer!

Randolpho: That’s right Leslie, but you have to be quick!

Leslie: That’s right Randolpho, this offer won’t last long and pre pre pre orders are already filling out. So what are you waiting for? Pick up the phone or jump online and join the future with Protocol Tablet Towel PTTv2.3GTR!

Exit Leslie and Randolpho

Karen: Maybe Bruce is just a well prepared traveller

Clovis leaps up from his chair and runs off stage, there is a video projected of him flying out of a window to a bloody death. He walks back on the other side of the stage and sits down

Karen: You get most of your clothes online don’t you Clove?’

Clovis: Almost entirely

Sam: Fancy Clovis Jones, fancy, oh yes I have a credit card, oh I’m adult, yes I prefer to shop online, oh my god I’m Clovis Jones

Karen: Oh my god I’m Clovis Jones!

Clovis: Well I just get so, so anxious, shopping at physical stores, being asked questions. Don’t have to talk to website

Sam: Less talking to people, I like it

Clovis: Yes, and no standing… standing in that, in the fucking change room feeling like… that I look like a giant, fat, a fat giant penis

Sam: There there Clove, there there, you’re not so fat

Karen: Have you ever interrogated why you’re so anxious and avoid human contact with strangers so avidly?

Clovis: No, not really, its just sometimes, I met loads of new people last night, I think

Sam: What’s your theory K?

Karen: Well Sam, I’m very glad you asked (K gets to her feet, straightens her shoulders, places her right foot forward, tucking her left hand into the small of her back, withdrawing her left foot for support and placing the palm of her right hand on Clovis’ shoulder) as I think that our dear friend Clove here is suffering, most terribly, from the dissociative affects and effects of our consumer society; he is a casualty of the cultural logic of late capitalism. You’re lucky you live in the first world Clove me lad.

Sam: Is there anything to be done K?

Karen: I’m afraid not because the revolution will not be televised, due to indefinite postponement

Clovis: Bad weather?

Karen: Due Clove, to the anticartographic impulses of, post structuralist, post psychoanalysis, post modern, modern post Post™ society

Sam: Post Post™?

Karen: When was the last time you got a letter in the mail Sam? Its all email now, instant insubstantive messaging, more phantasmagoria and an end to phenomena

Clovis: What about bills?

Karen: Clove silly, those letters you’ve been getting from Bill are really from me

Sam: I’m pretty sure that bills count as post K

Clovis:Yeah, yeah, I’m sure they count, least as phenomena, if not Post, my god how could you?

Karen: Thank you for your vote of support Sam, well I guess I just wanted you to get something nice in the mail, in general though it shows, (Karen leaning forward and putting her weight on her unadvanced left leg) that the profit motive remaining concrete and inviolate, underpinning our after-modern disphoria

Sam: Speaking of post, I got a card from Alfonso today

Clovis: How is he? Enjoying his travels?

Sam: I’ll read it if you like, you can try and work that out for yourselves

Sam reads the bellow to the audience, while she does Alfonso comes on stage and does something completely different

Text of the postcard:

Dear Sam, how are you? I’m well, I hope that this postcard finds you well, in health and that you find the receiving of it salubrious to your mood at the point of its reception. I hope you deem the receiving and the discovery of its various contents pleasant or even pleasurable, indeed I trust that you may derive as much positive stimulation from finding it in your postbox and then reading it, as I have already experienced picking it off the little rotating rack in a Heathrow giftshop, writing what it is I have written, affixing the stamp (this part I particularly enjoyed, I’d forgotten how pretty stamps can be and how tasty their adhesives) and posting it – with all the agreeable trepidation circumspect with the thought of it being collected, flown across the world, being conveyed to the locality of your mailbox, then you receiving it, your reaction, your reading it and your subsequent reaction. Unfortunately, this is but a postcard and I have already run out of room (I’ve already had to staple two together, as you have no doubt noticed) to relate, express or describe anything further and I shall have to include the bulk of the narrative I had planned to disclose in this happy correspondence in a later and additional one – which I look forward to penning and having communicated with more excitement and happiness than I have room to here formulate into language. Until you are reading that future missive, or rereading this one, I remain yours most sincerely

Alfonso Bagguchi

a stagehand in neon overalls and neon feather boa brings out the following signs

“What Clovis, and - (with a few subtle differences) – Karen - (neither of whom were paying attention) - heard”

(black out)

Scene 2

lights up, Alfonso Bagguchi is sitting at a table in a coffee shop reading a paper the headlines of which decries a current trend of people turning into chimps as unpatriotic. Delboy B Mugwump is behind him, hidden by a broadsheet paper, the headline of which decries a current trend of people turning into Giraffes as thoroughly passe

Alfonso Bagguchi: I close my newspaper and set it down next to the espresso on the formica table, in a little coffee shop on the Strand in London. It is a bright, blustery winter’s day, scarves and the pulled up collars of passing people in overcoats, flutter like the feathers of pigeons, stray plastic bags and crisp packets. The muffled honking of traffic, which has formed recently, a near constant feature of London’s ambient soundscape, echoes the tensions splashed in monochrome across the newspaper that I gingerly sip my coffee over.

Delboy: Shame isn’t it? Mr.Bagguchi

Alfonso: I turn to the speaker and my movement of inquiry presents me face to face with a Hitchcockesque figure, a rotund, late of middle age gentlemen, in a sumptuous white velvet jacket. The man removes a large cheroot from his garrulous mouth, the smoke from which was attracting agitated attention, passive aggressive clearings of throat and sniffs from the establishment’s sniffier staff and patrones alike. Either it don’t register or the fellow don’t care a jot for the whirlpool of whispered fuming, his fellow caffeine imbibers are conjuring between them – probably the former if not defiantly the later. He twirls the cigar in his heavy, thicker than a carbon rod fingers, and a sly grin, reeking with a heavy redolence of gin, spreads across his hung beefsteak features. The fat man rearranges his silk, lolly pop striped tie, picks up a jet black obsidian cane, grips its silvery Mugwump handle and swaddles his porcine, age sagged frame in a caftan and makes a play like he’s fumbling in his pocket for change as he’s leaving this glorified cafeteria. He breathes out a voice made of mud, Havana twists and cognac.

Delboy: A pleasure as always Mr. Bagguchi, we’ll be expecting your report in the spring, don’t think we don’t know that you’ve been thinking of escape but with what we’ve got on you, I’d stick around till the people I represent say we’re square, you know what I’m talking about. Don’t worry Bagguchi, you’re a bit of a plonker but I like you, we like you; you should think of us as friends. These are trying time ay? In times such as these one needs friends but friendship Mr. Bagguchi is civilised sexual intercourse and like any bit of the old in and, you only get out what you put into it. Think about that a while, a parcel will arrive shortly with a fresh supply of the tincintures you have requested and your latest instructions. Good day Mr. Bagguchi and good hunting.

Exit Delboy

Alfonso: I sit back in my chair place my hand on the skinny legs of my jeans, pick a spot on the floor to concentrate on and begin to probe the curious mix of feelings the rather odd conversation has inspired in my gulliver. However I barely get past beginning to wonder how the devil the fellow had known my surname and if he knew my first name too and had moved on to how much I would have liked to light up the the 420log in my pocket; when the frontage of the organic pie and mash shop next door popped, its glass glittering with delicate gilt lettering.I jump to my feet, take my coffee by the bowl, ouch! No, the handle and go to the window.

Clouds of smoke are pouring from Tony and Karen’s and people are limping out, clutching at facial, abdominal, cranial and peripheral lacerations and contusions, trying vainly to stem the flow of blood, organs, entrails, fettid tripe and detached limbs, limbs that have entered heir bodies via the force of the explosion and were now cascading from out the glistening new raspberry orifici - as the case demanded. Now an inexplicable swarm of journalists and middle aged people waving micro phones and first aid certificates respectively are descending on the scene from their spawn points around the corner. People are running up and screaming and milling, a brutal fusillade of stuttering, endlessly crescendoing polyphonic shutter sounds springing up from the orchestra of onlookers. People walk by in a huff, fuming internally at the garish interruption of and imprecation on their hard cultivated orderly narratives of exclusivity. oh good gracious, what a stink of mash and peas! I hung around agitated, one hand in my pocket the other giving high fives to paramedics and Red Bull promoters, again and again until the skin of my palms became soar and blistered, clinging with every ounce of strength to the lip of the coffee cup in my teeth, to a soundtrack of siren break beats to the choreographed grief before me, the dragging and pawing at bodies, fear falsetto bawling into the limelight and smoke, black smoke billowing and waving and drifting so that I imagine that it will reveal a column of cherry red coated soldiers, their drums thrubbing my ventricles, pipes whistling so jaunty through my tinitus that I pick up the tune, kick up my heels and go stark raving bonkers.

Alfonso dances wildly off stage

Black out

Light back up to the kitchen

Karen: Well that wasn’t very informative

Sam: I can barely read his hand writing

Clovis: He should have been a doctor

Karen: He thinks he’s a fucking doctor, a pharmacist at least

Sam: “Welcome to Bagguchi’s Paradise Pharmacies, how may I serve you today?”

Karen: Al’s Opioptacon and one hour photo

Clovis: God that would be awesome

Karen: Now be sure Ms . Golightly, to take it with food and plenty of water, plenty of water

Clovis: He has something for every occasion

Karen: When’s he getting back?

Clovis: God that would be SO nice…

Sam: I don’t know, I’m starting to doubt he will at all

Clovis: You don’t sound too upset, I’m distraught, how the hell can you be so callous?

Clovis throws himself on her knees in hysterics, stopping only to take puffs of spliff

Sam: He does what he wants to do, so do I

Karen: But you usually do it in the same country at least

Sam: I thought the nation state was a class construct given reality by the ruling class, to divide the proletariat

Karen: Well it is, I was speaking geographically of course

Sam: Of course

Karen: Of course

Sam: Of course

Karen: Of course

Sam: Of course

Clovis: Do we count as the proletariat?

Karen: I think so, its a bit less set fast than it was in previous years of course

Clovis: Of course

Karen: Of course

Clovis: Of course

Karen: Of course

Sam: The overalls and coal grime used to be a dead give away.

Clovis: Are you sure there still is one?

Karen: A what?

Clovis: A proletariat

Karen: Of course

Sam: Of course

Clovis: Of course

Karen: Of course

Sam: Of course

Clovis: Of course

Sam: Of course

Karen: of course, one and many, though its a globalised division of labour now, that’s what we have to come to terms with, the interconnectedness of global capital and the melting of the sender receiver relationship into the message but no matter how reversible there’s still have and have nots, homogeneous techno elites in their spinnacles of wealth and the great and diverse proletarian masses

Sam: Of course

Clovis: Of course

Sam: Of course

Clovis: of course

Sam: of course

Karen: Of course

Clovis: Anyroad, I’m waiting for the machines to take over, they’ll sort things out, with logic and algorithms and things. There’ll be algorithms for everything.

Karen: There already are algorithms for everything, that’s the point

Sam: And reservations for humans?

Karen: There already are fucking reservations for humans!

a phone rings, Sam answers and Alfonso enters

Alfonso: Sam?

Sam: Speak of the devil

Alfonso: What devil? There’s no devil, is there? Are you guys conjuring the devil? Am I the devil?

Sam: Nevermind, what’s up?

Alfonso: I need some directions, I’m lost

Sam: You called from London to ask for directions?

Alfonso: I’m lost

Sam: Can’t you ask someone there?

Alfonso: No one can hear me

Sam: Then speak up dear boy, speak up!

Karen: Pro-NUN-ciate!

Alfonso: There’s no one I can trust

Sam: oh god

Alfonso: there isn’t one

Sam: Where are you then? Can you see a street sign?

Alfonso: No

Sam: Landmarks I can google?

Alfonso: No

Sam: You’re not making this easy

Alfonso: I really can’t see much

Sam: Can you see anything?

Alfonso: Not as such, no

Sam: Where are you?

Clovis: Ask him what time it is

Alfonso: Earth?

Sam: Earth?

Clovis: Ask what time it is there

Sam: I’m not going to ask that Clovis

Clovis: Why not?

Sam: Its fucking stupid, that’s why

Clovis: Oh go on, please? I’ve always wanted to the know the time in London, it must be so…. sophisticated, to know the time there

Alfonso: Who’s that!? Who’s with you?!

Sam: Its just Clovis, he wants to know what time it is there

Alfonso: No idea

Sam: He doesn’t know

Alfonso: Shit, well tell him, tell him, tell him I say, ‘hi’

Sam: He says ‘hi’

Alfonso: Who does? God?

Clovis: Ask him if its night or day?

Sam: Is it night or day?

Alfonso: I’m not sure, its really hard to say

Sam: He says its hard to tell, is it dark?

Alfonso: Maybe

Clovis: What did he say?

Sam: Maybe

Karen: Maybe? Is he high?

Sam: I think so

Clovis: So am I

Sam: I’m so fucking high right now, I got no idea what’s going on

Karen: I suspect we’re a different kind of high

Alfonso: Look Sam, look, I’m really, I’m really lost, I have been for hours, maybe years, can you help me?

Sam: Not unless you give me some more information Al

Alfonso: But I can’t see anything, I’ve gone blind, maybe was always blind

Sam: You haven’t gone blind Al

Alfonso: For all intents and purposes, look ok, ok look, ok, just tell me one thing ok?

Sam: What’s that Al?

Alfonso: Am I a good person?

Sam: Come again Al good buddy, you’re breaking up

Alfonso: Sam! Sam! Over, over, roger, can you hear me Samantha? Samantha!? Socrates Alpha Marlin, Over?

Sam: Roger Alfonso, please repeat last

Alfonso: Am I a good person?

Sam: He wants to know if he’s a good person

Karen: Yeah, he’s alright

Clovis: Yeah, he’s pretty cool

Sam: You’re pretty cool

Alfonso: yeah ok, but look, ok but am I a good person?

Sam: Yes uuuurgh, that’s urrrrgh, click, affirmative Alfonso, you are a good person, over, click

Alfonso: Ok, thanks, look I have to go, love you

Sam: I love you too, be careful, you copy?

Alfonso: yeah, yeah, I copy, over and out

Alfonso runs out of the room

Sam: He’s lost

Karen: Sounds like, more beer anyone?

Clovis: Shouldn’t we do something?

Karen: What can we do? He’s thousands of kilometers away

Clovis: Is there someone we should call? Shouldn’t we fucking do something!

Sam: Don’t think so bro

Karen: The roaming would be a killer, he’ll be fine.

Sam: At least he’s on earth

Enter Leslie Beauxtucks and Newt Lhipsuc

Leslie: Hi there viewers, its you’re old sally girl Leslie Beauxtucks and welcome to another segment of SMEG infotainment, our writers haven’t run out steam, we’re here to bring you the latest information on the best most mass murdering edge technology and products! Isn’t that right Newt, Newt Lihpsuc everybody!

Wild applause

Newt: That’s right Leslie and boy have we got a segment for you today!

Wild Laughter

Leslie: That’s right Newt, Newt did you notice the cellular phones the guys over here were using? Just now? Newt? Anybody? Anybody? Newt?

Newt: That’s right Leslie, they looked an awful lot to me like the Life Grates 6G Ecstacy smell-o-screen vowelphone handset

Leslie: That’s right Newt, that’s exactly what one of them was, a 6C Ecstacy Smell Screen from Life Grates

Newt: Because sometimes life grates!

Leslie: That’s right Newt, Life Grates are an amazing brand, currently dominating the personal choice market and they’ve brought out this brand new version of their revolutionary development on the Odorisor 38X8, the model that stole our hearts and had us smelling each other like never before

Newt: That’s right Leslie, a truly revolutionary response to Grapefruit’s ground breaking product the nose phone, which gave us a scents of what was in our loved ones hearts like never before

Leslie: That’s right Newt, a little humour there from the great, virulently heterosexual marketing team at Grapefruit

Newt: That’s right Leslie, they’re an amazing, ha ha funny bunch of guys over there, I learnt that last week, if our viewers remember, when I went to meet the adboys over at Grapefruit and we took in the sights, sounds and smells of the San Fernando Valley’s world class illegal underground backroom penthouse red light districts.

Leslie: That’s right Newt and boy was I jealous, you wouldn’t have to hog tie me to a radiator to keep me in the same room as one a them hunky ad geniuses! Am I right ladies?!

Newt: That’s right Leslie and so would I but lets take a look at this great new product from Life Grates, also a fine company full of swell all american executives.

Leslie: That’s right Newt and they must be smart executives because not only does their new product give you same range of smell communication and scent activated application but you get three times as many!

Newt: Three times as many? That’s incredible, isn’t technology amazing, three times as many!

Leslie: That’s right Newt with this great, slim, sexy new product from Life Grates, you get three times as many as with previous products

Newt: That’s right Leslie, with the Life Grates Ecstacy 6C Vowelphone, you really to get three times

as many than with other products but some people might be asking what that means, in real value terms?

Leslie: That’s right Newt and in this case three times as many, means three times as much!

Newt: Leslie, that’s truly amazing, some truly incredible convenience, power and value

Leslie: That’s right Newt

Newt: That’s right Leslie, and that must be why this product is so revolutionary, because it even looks, smaller than the previous products

Leslie: That’s right Newt, the Vowelphone is truly amazing, it is smaller, its thinner, narrower and the 6C Vowelphone is shallower than previous models

Newt: That’s right Leslie, and they still manage to give you three times as many, in a smaller package, unbelievable but true

Leslie: That’s right Newt, it truly is amazing, it comes in three chic and three fun colours from Life Grates own Funchromatics colour range and most amazing thing is the price!

Newt: That’s right Leslie, I didn’t even know there were that many colours

Leslie: That’s right Newt, I’m a synaesthete and who knew there were colours that weren’t red, white, blue and Jesus?

Newt: That’s right Leslie, not only have Life Grates, through the Vowelphone given you three times as many, they’re also outdoing themselves on value for money because this price, compared to other products, is unbeatable

Leslie: That’s right Newt, its absolutely unbeatable, so what are you waiting for?

Newt: That’s right! What are you waiting for?

Leslie: That’s right Newt because not only do you get blown in amazing colour, and three times as much but you also are able to use your nose to use this phone! Tired of jabbing away with those over sized great flesh hammers you call thumbs? With Life Grates, just follow your nose!

Leslie: That’s right Leslie, so just call the number on your screen

Newt: Or click the popup on screen

Leslie: Or click the link in the description bellow

Newt: and you’ll be on your way to a whole new world of scent, of smell, of communication.

Leslie: That’s right, with Life Grates Ecstacy 6C Vowelphone, you can smell the world and tell the world about it too!

Newt: That’s right, Life Grates, because sometimes life grates.

Exit Leslie and Newt

Joel and Trent smash their way in through a glass door and wall from opposite sides of the stage, they meet in the middle and start punching each other, throughout their time on stage they roam around smashing things, wrestling, punching each other, stealing each other’s shoes and shirts, flicking knives at each other but not directly interfering with the other characters, their dialogue is a varnish of verbal communication over their chest thumping behaviour.

Trent: Fuck me dead Joel mayte, ya cunt

Joel: There you are ya fuckin dickhead, I’ve been fucking lookin all over for ya, ya cunt

Trent: Fuck off mate, I’ve been fuckin looking for you’se cunt!

Joel: Well you fuckin legged it first ya poof cunt

Trent: You fuckin ad to glass that fuckin bouncer but didn’t cha cunt

Joel: The poof was a fuckin, faggot, he fuckin had it fuckin coming, fuckin tried to rape me in me arsehole cunt e did,

Trent: Fuck off!

Joel: Fuck ya cunt, e fuckin did, he fuckin goes gimme your fuckin arse mate, give me ya fuckin arse or get the fuck out

Trent: Glass mate, he said gimme ya fuckin glass ya deaf cunt

Joel: Fuck that, he fuckin said arse, don’t reckon you saw the way he’d been lookin at me maayte

Trent: E said glass mate, ya repressed prick

Joel: What the fuck, who gives a fuck what e said, ya shouldn’t have fuckin run off on me ya cunt, he coulda smashed me cunt or torn up me arsehole maaayte

Trent: You ad I’m, I saw it but the real problem, the real fuckin problem mayte is now you’ve fuckin got us thrown outta fuckin Maccas, where the fuck are we gunna fuckin eat, I’m getting fucking hypofuckin glycemic mate! I’m feelin fuckin feelins, I need some fuckin hot chips and a fuckin beer!

Joel: You fuckin said it Trent maaayte and I’m blindin’ly close to the dull razor of me reality maayte, I could have a fuckin berl at fuckin a beer, I reckon cunt

Trent: fuckin oath maaayte

Joel: Mayte fuckin oath!

Trent: fuckin oath maayte!

Joel: Mayte, fuckin oath!

Trent: I said fuckin oath mayte!

Joel: And you fuckin say it: mayte, fuckin oath!!

They begin to drunkenly fight in earnest

Trent: I’ll fuckin smash ya cunt!

Joel: you’re a fuckin dead cunt! Ya fuckin dead!

Enter Bazza the Burger Mate Bogan, naked but for green and gold face paint, an Australian flag, a posing pouch and a pair of Blundstones, to the sound of Hilltop Hoods mashed up with ACDC’s “Long way to the top” he struts around the stage for the audiences acclimation. Bazza separates the combatants.

Bazza: Alright, you fuckin pricks! Back off ya cunts! Break it the fuck up! Save it for the fuckin lebo boys!

Trent and Joel: Its Bazza! The Burger Mate Bogan!

Bazza: That’s right cunts, an I’m ‘ere to tell yaz ta stop ya fuckin around and get yer arses down ta Burger Mate!

Trent: Can I get it in me Bazza?

Bazza: Too fuckin right you can get in ya Trent, ya cunt

Trent: fuckin oath!

Joel: An what about me Bazza? Can I get it in me too?

Trent: I wouldn’t Bazza maaaaaayte, he’s been fuckin playin up an causing trouble he ‘as, fuckin playin up fuckin big time

Joel: Et tu Trent, ya cunt? I’ll fuckin play it up for ya! I’ll fuckin smash ya!

Bazza: Izze tellin it like it fuckin is Joely?

Joel: He is Bazza, the back stabbin cunt

Trent: He’s alright Bazza, he’s just fucked an he’ll fuckin pass out in a bit

Bazza: Its alright Joel mayte, at Burger Mate your welcome any time!

Joel: Fuck oath!

Bazza: That’s right, because at Burger Mate any pissed cunt can rock up and get shoved in a designated Burger Mate Playin Up Area, full of asylum seekers, women and other minorities and special interest groups for you to take it out on and if you damage our property, our security guards’ll fuckin bury you

He hands out some beers

Trent and Joel: Cheers Bazza!

Bazza: Don’t cheers ta me fuckheads, cheers to Burger Mate! Can I get a fuck oath?!

Trent and Joel: Fuck oath!

They skull their beers and then another

Bazza: Burger Mate! Get it in ya!

Exit Trent, Joel and Bazza, breaking things as they go

Clovis: I love adverts, they’re so funny

Karen: Clovis, adverts ruin the fabric of sociality

Sam: Pass the mic KK

Karen: Just a minuet Sam, god, all they advertise, all they sell, is a stereotype, a programme of reality and behaviour, that’s what people are really buying, its only thing that gets sold because of fucking ads

Sam: Karen, joint, now

Clovis: That’s often what makes me laugh about them, or something like that

Sam: Joint joint joint joint joint

Karen: Here, for fuck’s sake

The Tom Waits song “all the world is green plays” Clovis, Sam and Karen get up and slow dance, changing partners. As the song ends, Trent and Joel (this time wearing police uniforms) smash their way on stage, accompanied by officers: Macca, Shazza, Tahnya, Andy, Wombat, Johno, Brett, Mick, Spiros, Biancah, Nikohl, Spydah, Nicko, Daveo, Ash, Ange and Jez Rag.

Officer Trent: Open up! Its the police!! Open the door! Its the police! The police!

Officer Joel: Nobody move! Its the police! Everyone stay where you are! Its the police! Open up police! Open up! Police!

All the officers run around shouting “nobody move!”, “open up!” and “police!” for a while, smashing things in their dashing about (whenever an officer’s name is mentioned they must say, or shout if offstage, “yep!”

Officer Trent: Now, unless you’re carrying a fucking gun, no fucking talking! Officer Joel!

Officer Joel: Officer Trent?

Officer Trent: Officer Joel, take officers Nikohl, Spydah, Shazza, Spiros and Brett and make a search of the premises!

Officer Joel: Right Officer Trent, right right Officers Nikohl, Spydah, Shazza, Spiros and Brett come we me and make a search of the premises!

Officers: Yep!

The search team move upstage and conduct a ‘search’ basically standing around or looking under books, plates, cups and other objects, they break things but mostly by accident and clumsiness.

Officer Trent: Officer Jez Rag?!

Officer Jez Rag: Yep Officer Trent?

Officer Trent: Officer Jez Rag, take constables Ange, Tannya, Wombat, Johnno, Mick, Daveo, Nicko, Biancah, Macca, Ash and Andy

Officer Jez Rag: Yep

Officer Trent: Take those officers and seperate the suspects, one in each corner of the room under guard and without their knowing your questioning them, begin to question them.

Officer Jezz Raag: Yes sir! Constables, Ange, Tannya, Wombat, Johnno, Mick, Daveo, Nicko, Biancah, Macca, Ash and Andy, form into groups and with a suspect move to a corner of the room and engage them in banal patois, while trying to obtain incriminating admissions

Officers: Yep!

Officer Trent: Officer Joel!

Officer Joel: Yep maaayte fuck ya, I mean, yes, Constable Trent?

Officer Trent: Too right ya did cunt, now did ya’z find anything?

Officer Joel goes to each member of his team and asks them if they’ve found anything, he returns to Officer Trent with a teaspoon

Officer Joel: We found this teaspoon sir mayte

Officer Trent: Very good maaayte, carry on cunts, right you dirty little cunts! Its heroin your on is it?!

Officer Joel: D’you know how crazy that stuff is?!

Officer Trent: Horse! Brown! The Dragon! You’re on it are yaz? Smack, dope, H, Zappa snacks, on the Phar lap vials, huh? Lady Gespiker, hypo hit, junk, huh?! Burroughs’ muse, back ally jitterbug, Lou’s speed, black tar, drops, mexican mud, scag, whiz bang, china white, Gus van heroin, the Velvet highground, Cobain Killer, you been Sid Spooning?! Huh? Ya fuckin junkie scum?!

Karen: No

Officer Trent: Officer Joel!

Officer Joel: Yep Mayte?

Officer Trent: What other drugs d’ya use a spoon to take?

Officer Joel: No idea mate, crickey do’use cunts know how crazy that stuff is?!

Clovis: Ice maybe?

Officer Trent: Oh Ice is it ya fuckin fiends!?! Glacier brains, freezer junkies, cube smokers ay? Fridge lickers, arctic jammers, on the Eskimo buzz, huskie chum, polar bear biscuits, Alaskan kush, Nordic A-bombs

Officer Joel: When smoked in a cannabis L ciggie

Officer Trent: Icicles, psycho speed, frostie’s lozenges, Santa smack, Penguin PcP, goin past the tree line huh?! On the old Antarctic smack, the freezer burn, cutting the powder, on the winter whiz, BPD pills, festive flipper, Noel log lines, Lapland scag, reindeer rooter, titanic nose torpedoes, Andorian amphetamines,

Sam: Treky

Officer Joel: Shut it you suck hole! Do you know how crazy that stuff is?

Officer Trent: So you admit! It is ice, your all on the Frankston bob-sled team and tracks are face full of french fries

Sam: Face full?

Officer Joel: Shut you shit pedant! Don’t you know how crazy that stuff is?

Karen: No comment

Officer Joel: Do you know how crazy that stuff is?

Clovis: None of us take Ice

Officer Trent: Then what is it huh? What have you got here?! You’ve seen our warrant to search these premises, someone put your hand up and we can make this quicker than a lizard fuckin drinkin

Officer Joel: Strewth, tell us where you got the stuff and we can make it easy for you, do’you know how crazy this stuff is?

Sam: What stuff? You don’t seem to have found anything yet

Officer Trent: Ah ha! What did the uh, fuckin, whaddya call it female, um, cunt, ah, whatsit, aaauughh, suspect say Officer Jez Raag?

Officer Jez Rag: Fair cop, she said we haven’t found anything yet mate

Officer Trent: Ah ha! We got this cunt, ur suspect stitched up beaut, we haven’t found anything yet she said, right right?

Officer Jez Rag: Right right cobber

Officer Trent: So that means there must be something to find up a dingos donga, keep looking! Right right?

Officers: Right right mate!

Officer Trent: Right, lets split this mob up and grill em

Officer Joel: Between a shrimp and a slice’a pineapple

Officers: Right right

Half the police continue to search, while the others take each of the characters (Officer Joel in Clovis’ group, Officer Jez Rag in Karen’s and Officer Trent in Sam’s) and split them up, each group goes to a compass point.

Officer Joel: Come on kid mate make it easy on yourself

Officer Trent: How many of you living here?

Officer Jez Rag: Are you on the lease?

Officer Joel: How many of you living here?

Clovis: four, no no three!

Officer Trent: At uni are ya?

Officer Jez Rag: That your set a wheels out front? We’re searching it so you might as well blab now I reckon

Officer Joel: How old are you?

Clovis: 24

Officer Trent: buckley’s, what would your parents have to say about this ay?

Officer Joel: Don’t you know how crazy this stuff is?

Clovis: I know… I know

Officer Trent: Where is it? Where’s the stash?!

Officer Jez Rag: Just one little bit and that’s it

Officer Joel: Who’d you get it off?

Clovis: No comment

Officer Trent: Tell us and we’ll make it easy on yourselves

Officer Jez Rag: We’re going to find it, you might as well own up to it now mind you

Officer Joel: What’s your relationship to that chick? She your misses?

Clovis: Not exactly

Officer Trent: What’s with you and that bloke? Is he your mug ay?

Officer Jez Rag: Come on, leave it out, you know better than this

Officer Joel: Whaddya mean not exactly? Click go the shears. Don’t you know how crazy this stuff is?

Officer Trent: You’re the kingpin, aren’t ya? Or should I say the Queen bee?

Sam: God

Officer Jez Rag: Too right I reckon you ought to tell me what’s going on before its too late

Officer Joel: How long have you been together?

Clovis: Do I have to answer these questions?

Officer Trent: Is something funny? Come on, are you and him in it together? How much do you sell?!

Officer Jez Rag: We’re gonna find this stuff as quick as an emu pissin, you’ve only got this arvo to come clean and fess up, come on take some responsibility I reckon.

Officer Joel: You don’t have to say a thing, mate

Clovis: Oh god

Officer Spydah: Officer Trent mate! Officer Joel mate!

Officer Joel: What is it Officer Spydah mate?

Officer Spydah: We’ve found some kinda dry as a cockies cunt plant material, all sorta wrapped in tin foil, its over here mate

Officer Trent: Where mate?

Officer Spydah: Its just here on the table mate

Officer: Thought you were being real clever clog cunts ay?

Officer Nikhole: Officer Trent! Officer Joel?

Officer Joel: What’s the word Officer Nikohle? Jumbuck

Offucer Nikohle: That’s officer Nik-hole, alright mate? Out in the backyard mate, there’s some dead sus lookin plants mate

Officer Jez Rag: Fuck! Shit on a bloody cunts donga, where?

Officer Nikhole: Look you can see from fuckin here mate, look mate

Officer Jez Rag: She’s right mate, and there’s some in the nextie’s yard too, fuckin oath

Officer Trent: Whaddya hanging about for like a crook cunt mate?! Get over there!

Officer Joel: I don’t reckon we’ve gotta fuckin warrant n shit for that property Trent mate

Officer Trent: Do we ‘ave one for fucking here?

Officer Joel: I thought I had one on me somewhere here mate, just hold on a Sydney sec and I’ll fucking have a Captain Cook through me fucking cop swaggie

Officer Trent: Just get over that fence Jez Rag!

Officer Jez Rag: Right right mate!

Exit Officer Jez Rag

Officer Trent: We’ll just wait here a moment, just till he fucking gets back, should be any fucking sec now, if you have anything to own up to or put ya fucking hand up for do it now ya alleged junkie, pot head, dole bludging cunts; because it won’t be fucking long till Constable Joel gets back and then your fucked. Just think about it

Officer Jez Rag: Don’t you know how crazy this stuff is?

Officer Trent: This is all going to be paid for by the fucking taxpayer yo know, every fucking second we have to spend here dealing with you alleged dealing, pusher, terrorist, mongrel fucks, every fucking second costs good, decent law abiding, tax paying fucking Aussie cunts and even some of the fucking queue jumping, curry, slanty eyed, fucking on the rag arab cunts the likes of you have all got such big fucking hard ons for. There are people wiping up shit paying for all this, you gutless fucking wonders, if nothing else think of that! Think of all the fucking roads that could’ve been built, the footy ovals that could a got watered or the fighter jets and brown cunt killing bullets that could’ve been bought or the fucking analysis of further sales of public services and infrastructure that could have been carried out! Think of all their your deviant, pissing your fucking lives away and cock sucking your brains out is fucking costing us!

Clovis: I’ve got a job

Officer: What was that?! Fucking pushing butterflies don’t count brov, ya don’t get a PayG for that on fucking July 1

Clovis: Well, actually I’m employed at

Enter Officer Joel carrying a very large painted pot with a small weed plant growing therein

Officer Joel: Mate! Mate! Look what I found! Look what I found! Did I do good mate? Did I? Did I? Is this one of them Cannabis L plants we’z fucking heard about?

Officer Trent: Looks like it mate, fuck, looks like it, a dead Rolf Harris for ones I’ve seen in the fucking drug training videos and “Copper Keith learns to identify habbit forming substances” flipbook back at the station

Officer Spydah: I fucking love Copper Keith, especially when e’fucking like rips that fucking commie dyke’s nipples off in “Copper Keith learns to break up peaceful and pointless demonstrations”

Officer Tahnya: Copper Keith learns to escalate situations in order satisfy his sociopathic ego and introduce people into the criminal justice system is my favourite

Officer Trent: Yeah, yeah, they’re all instant classics but this is the real fucking deal! We’ve got you now!

Officer Jez Rag: And with fucking evidence and everything!

Officer Joel: You could’ve co-operated but you thought you were too fucking, too fucking smart, smart cunts, too busy ugghhh playing at smart cunts, now… now, we arrest them right mate?

Officer Trent: That’s the way mate, you’re all under arrest! Anything you say may be used as evidence against yourselves

Officer Nicko: Isn’t there a, fucking, another bit to that mate?

Officer Ange: You urrrg fucking gay for umm or sum, uuummm urr aah sum, sum, sumshit mate? Ya, ya, cunt huh huh, ya ya fucking, ya fucking cunt, huh huh, ya shit, ya fucking, fucking poofta mate, cunt ya

Officer Brett: Fucking good one Ange mate, your so funny, you should be on fucking telly mate, now some people’d, soft cock types

Officer Ange: ugh huh huh cock, huh huh, fucking soft cocks, fucking poofta cunts huh huh

Officer Brett: Yeah, those fucking types’d pretend to be all open minded and then get the fuckin abo’s hump callin ya offensive, fucking shoot all the fucking poofs I say and the fucking blacks and queue jumpers and fucking uni fags too

Officer Ange: huh huh, shoot um, huh yeah cunts huh huh, shit eating fucking chinky cunts

Officer Brett: yep, them too Ange if they don’t get the fuck out or maybe even then if they don’t sort themselves out and act civilised in their fuckin shitty country, now some of these cunts’d call me a fucking racist or a fucking homophobic bastard but I ain’t,

Officer Ange: Fucking, ummm urrr, fucking me neither cunt

Officer Brett: We’re not mate, we’re regular fucking Aussies and I’m especially rational and reasonable, see I ain’t a fucking racist or homophobe because I hate everybody equally me, haha haha, fucking labor party cunts

Officer Joel: hang on there Constables Brett, and Ange, there might be something else we’re supposed to say, Macca you know?

Officer Macca: Fucked if I know mate, I’ll ask Wombat, ay Wombat!

Officer Wombat: Yep!

Officer Macca: Ya know if there’s anything more to that little thing we say when we’re about to smash a cunt mate?

Officer Wombat: Uggggh, ummmmm, urrrgggghhhhhh, aahhhh, shit, cunt, nah, nah, oh yep, fuck nah, nup, ah fucked like a Tassie Tiger if I know mate

Officer Bianncah: I know it, we all know it, I thought we just weren’t supposed to say it till they’d

really grassed themselves up or like, it wasn’t that fucking important or anything

Officer Trent: Stone the Australian Ravens! The fucking bitch is fucking right! Its not that important, lets just fucking smash em!

The police move to beat the gang, Enter Sgt Bazza

Sgt Bazza: Hold on there cunts!

Officers: Sgt Bazza! Of the Burger Mate Thirty Meal Cure Drug and Alcohol Rehabiliation Task Force

Enter Boonie

Boonie: Brought to you by Burger Mate, Burger Mate, get it in ya!

Officers: Boonie!

Boonie: I already told yas to get it in ya, you yoghurt eating pricks

Exit Boonie

Sgt Bazza: Just a moment there mates, I was passing by in the Burger Mate Bacon Roller Squad Car

and I couldn’t help but notice you’re good work here, and can I just say that you’ve all

done a fine job! Fucking great work! The “One Free Burger Mate Fuck A Duck Burger” bumper stickers will upgraded to the “One Free Deluxe Burger Mate Hard Cunt Hand Roll And A Slab” bumper stickers

Officer Ange: I just, just ummm, urrgh, I fucking, I just want someone to suck my fucking cock

Sgt Bazza: Maybe next time you “arrest” a streetwalker Constable, you can get her to suck your cock for half the hand roll, you could lock a twelve year old in your car and tip the slab down her neck till she goes down on you or just roll on any fucking faggot with your partners and he’s sure to suck you off than get a baton up his ass.

Officer Trent: Sir! We have searched the premises, being a free standing structure with several walls made of thick block like objects and a roof of an unknown reddish compound (which we’re having checked out) sir and found fucking dried contraband and in a concave receptacle of a possibly kiln fired construction sir cunt, the contraband being possibly Cannabis L and alive contraband sir mate, inserted into a brown dirt like substance possibly dirt or earth (we’ll have to have that checked out), also possibly Cannabis L, we were about to make the suspects into custard, sir!

Sgt Bazza: I fucking love your enthusiasm mate, all of you, really fucking great attitudes guys, real good, you’re all Tip Top white bread Aussies and Tip Top white bread copper cunts

Sgt Bazza goes around and give each officer a friendly slap on the shoulder, slap on the arse, fondle or punch in the stomach. The officers act sheepish and say ‘cheers sarge’ or ‘cheers Bazza’, there should be one ‘Cheers Uncle Baz’, one ‘Cheers love’ (from a male or female officer), one ‘Cheers Son’ (ditto) and one ‘Cheers Dad’

Officer Trent: Would you like to do the hand cuffing honours sir?

Sgt Bazza: Nah mate, won’t be fuckin necessary mate

Officer Trent: Pepper Spray?

Sgt Bazza: Nup

Officer Joel: Tazer?

Sgt Bazza: Nup

Officer Shazza: Are we gonna pistol whip em?

Sg Bazza: Nup

Officer Spiros: Are we callin in the dog squad?

Sgt Bazza: Nup

Officer Tanyah: Are we going to strip them and run them down with horses?

Sgt. Bazza: Always a good option Officer, good fuckin thinking, especially with your disability

Officer Tanyah: Disability sarge mate?

Sgt Bazza: Yeah, u nah, having tits n that

Officer Macca: Yeah u know luv, being a fuckin chick

Officer Tanyah: Oh yeah, I get ya now, hadn’t thought of it like that mate but I see what you’re getting at

Officer Macca: Course ya do luv, course ya do.

Officer Trent: Then how, pray tell, are we gunna get apprehensive with these h’alledged bags of cunt scum? Mate?

Sgt Bazza: The police association of our beaut as a bikies boner city and our new community and values protection and promulgation partner; Burgermate, have decided to institute a rigourous and fully sick comprehensive Burger Mate Thirty Meal Cure Drug and Alcohol Funsize Rehab Therapeutic Smile Hours.

Officer Spiros: But uh, what about our super clean up and show out the system bonuses?

Sgt. Bazza: That’s a very good question son mate brother cunt but ah, you don’t need to get your buggie smugglers in a Cronulla over the dazzling dollars buddy ay? Nah yep, don’t sweat a sting ray over it cause our good friends in the party of freedom, justice and continuity of wealth and morals has got a lots of shiny new jobs for you mates, there’s a lota hard as a uranium shit house yakka coming to yaz and youz all are gunna get taken care of; nah yeah but to put it simple as a sunk boat

The police all cheer

Sgt. Bazza: to put it clear as fucking English

The police all cheer

Sgt. Bazza: As long as the uh, political, situation remains the same around this great joint of ours, there is always going to be a great and growing need for the services of good, honest fucking cunts like youz sevles!

All the police cheer and shake hands and slap each other

Sgt. Bazza: Now give them chickens up to me now

Officer Trent: Yes sir mate! They are all yours, I give them over to your custody, care and tender fucking mercies.

The cops all troop out, except Sgt. Bazza, Clovis is tries to get up and make a break for it but is pushed back into his seat, Clovis continues to squirm and attempt to escape but Sgt. Bazza easily restrains him.

Sgt. Bazza: And now, you slimy little sucks, its time to get clean, Burger Mate Style!

Clovis breaks free of Sgt. Bazza but its clothes lined by the entering Leslie Beautuxs

Leslie: Hello there ladies and gentlemen thespians and thespiens, if I can take charge of your attentions for one moment, excuse me there sugar, pardon me sir, mind me madame, you madmoiselle mastication is out; its time for the half time show. Now I know you are all getting cranky and crickled kneed, chapped of the ass and slugged in the brain, your eyes are itchy and the enema you call an ego wants to wag its poor excuse for a tongue. Get out of here then, go out to the bar to fill up on libatory liquids and the can to drain out what you’ve already put in, get out of here for fifteen minuets but stay if you like and we who are staying are going to talk about how we all think the show is going so far and we might even get the writer and director up here on stage, oh come on now don’t look so shocked, they’re just up the back working the lights, what you think we’re paying anybody, I’ll tell you many lies but here’s the truth; ain’t no body getting paid. So get. Come back in ten.

Two people walk on from back of stage, it could be me and the director, it might not be. However is me should be wearing, rubbed in ash, black skinny jeans, a ski hoodie and a short red marching band jacket like a bolero. The director, if not the actual director of the show, should be wearing a green knit long sleve turtle neck, a nordic patterned cardigan, a penz nez, a frilled scarf and torpe chinos. The Leslie puts on her infomercial voice and interviews each of the cast, the questions and responses should be of a evening news sport round up, after the game interview nature, with the actors talking mainly about how they’ve been rehearsing real hard and giving a hundred percent and generally being good, heavy breathing sports all round; with a few quips and inuendos, if they can all say “we all came right in the end and that’s been really really good for group because no one got left out” in a suggestive manner that would be great. Karen should be down on how stupid and meta this part of the show is but not beyond the level of a disappointed sports-person during an interview. One might include members of the audience in this segment of the show, getting their opinions and ridiculing them etc. When everyone is back, Leslie stops mid interview and turns back to the audience.

Leslie: I see you’re all back, posteriors all nice and recirculated? Attention spans replenished? Droughts quenched and tongues relaxed? Honestly, I don’t know why you wait till your outside to gab, you could pipe up in hear, we won’t be offended, we won’t string you up by your larynx, we’re not going to kill you. You’ve all on the bevy, or you should be, trust me you’ll enjoy the show more, come on, live a little! But I digress. Welcome, Wilkommen, Beanvenu to the second half of the play! Shall we have a little recap? You’d like that Clovis dear wouldn’t you? I think we all might be bit lost, so lets recap, bring out the map!

Tristram Shandy Map is brought on, a long line with many bends, loops, figures of eight and lettered “plot points”, the last part is called on with a cough from offstage, it has been marked T.S but the T.S has been crossed out and a large Q painted over it. Leslie goes along the map, point out plot points in no particular order.

Now where were we, I do so find it helps, in darkened rooms to have visual aids; now, our intrepid heroes have just step up base camp at the foot of the far away tree, Brett has just told Spiker that he and Shazbot are slipping it to Nicole who has cancer from the time she did it ontop of a microwave with Chef Tartare, who is really her cousin and out to buy up everyone’s small business to build a carpark. Frilly and Doughy can’t believe their meeting after all these years an even though they still have chemistry they’re not sure if their generally inert and lifeless personalities can be overcome and the jaunty dust bin of sexual tension we’ve been thrown in result be satisfied and given closure to with a tawdry scene of reedy voiced copulation and the mythical, fully orchestral replication of the nucleus of the nuclear family. And still, nobody can quite tell exactly where uncle Toy was wounded. Actors, are you ready?

Actors: Yes!

Leslie: Audience, are you ready?

Leslie: then Actors! Blow your horns!

Leslie exists as Sgt Bazza starts shouting and the cast get back into postion.

Sgt. Bazza: Ok, alright, come on you lot! Its time for your Burger Mate Thirty Meal Cure Drug and Alcohol Funsize Rehab Therapeutic Smile Hours.

Clovis: Are you going to be our, um, oh I can’t think of the appropriate word

Sgt. Bazza: Counsellor cunt

Karen: I don’t think that’s very appropriate

Sgt. Bazza: but it sez it right here, just behind me David Irving fanclub card, there take a look at that

Karen: Chicken Licken’s Lip Smacking Tertiary Playpen of Crash Course Brain Tinkerin and Hens’pitality?

Clovis: Certificate 1

Sgt. Bazza: Its a nationally recognised qualification; but it ain’t going to help us shit if this place is like this when the rest of the group get here, no one’s going to heal if the chairs aren’t in a circle and there isn’t a cuppa on and it’ll be your fuckin faults! Not mine! Its not my fucking fault you’re all so fucked! So why won’t you lift a fucking finger to help me?!?!

Sam: Alright, calm down, jesus, come on

Karen: I’m not going to help this facist set up a re-education camp in our living room

Clovis: I thought this was the ktichen

Sgt. Bazza (now also smashing things): If I don’t get a fucking circle of fucking chairs, I’m going to tear this place apart, I’ll drag you all off to the fucking pokey and you’ll never work a Mc. Job again as long as you fucking keep sucking decent people’s fucking air, you shiftless cunts! Come on, I can’t fucking do it all myself, I’ve done you a fucking favour, I’ve busted my fucking cunting guts for you toey little cum rags and you can’t lift a piss fart fucking finger to help, when its in your own best interest, come on! Come on!

Sam: Just do as he says and maybe he’ll shut up and fuck off.

The gang arrange fetch chairs and tea and arrange a circle, Sgt Bazza remains standing, he always stands too close to people, with his crotch in their faces. All the men in the rehab group do this to a greater or lesser extent.. Enter Ruth (actually trying to kick the dope), Timmo (misogynist ‘women who take drugs are sluts’ ice head, Jamie (agrees with timmo, Clive (ruth’s long term partner’ and Azza (just got pulled up for a quarter, ‘will never do drugs again, fuck this shit!’), they all pull up chairs and Sgt Boonie takes the floor

Sgt. Bazza: Well don’t just sit there! The rest of the group’s here and we’re well on its way to mental hygiene and we’re not going to make much progress with you lot cringing and acting like coy cunts and lording all over us like you owned the joint. Introduce yourselves!

Clovis: I guess I’ll start, Hi everyone

Timmo: Oh no, hi? His making me wanna use sarge, I’m getting the temptation again, I just can’t take it, I can’t fucking take it!

Sgt. Bazza: Relax Timmo matey, keep thinking of the academy like we’ve been talking about. You! Hi?! What that fucking are you thinking?! You reckon you’re a funny cunt do ya?

Clovis: No… not really

Sgt. Bazza: Well you’re fucking not, so don’t let me catch you using your filth cummed drugo inuendos again you little pig shit.

Ruth: Hello Clovis, I’m Ruth

Timmo: That’s was she says but I wouldn’t trust her

Karen: And why not?

Timmo: Because she’s got tits the deceitful bitch, who knows what she lies about while she swans about all high and mighty with her giant flesh bags swinging about, taking up all our time with her bloody whinging and fucking moaning, I’d be cured if it wasn’t for her and her gigantoid fucking gland

Clive: Come on now, steady on, they aren’t that big; their barely big enough to adequately feed a child. Nevermind though my dear, I’m sure they’ll swell once we get you cleaned up and knocked up.

Sam: What the fuck?

Clive: Yes that’s right, we’re trying for a baby or we will once Ruth gets over her little problem, is that right Ruthy?

Ruth: Yes Clive

Clive: That’s right, you can’t wait to get sober and back to work so we can save up for when you won’t be able to work anymore because you’ll be a full time mummy. Maybe not a yummy one but I suppose one can’t have everything can one?

Karen: Aren’t you an addict Clive?

Timmo: Of course he fucking isn’t, look at him, he’s a top bloke, a man of the world, look at him, he’s got a fucking broadsheet

Clive: With a mon petite hustler behind it

Timmo: too fucking right, and he’s got a pipe, and a cardigan, and chest hair poking out the top of his neck tie

Clive: Don’t forget the shoes

Timmo: Fuck me, its the sweet sweet ice karoovy thats done a blocko on me memory, look at those shoes, their loafers!

Clive: Their boat shoes actually, I save my loafers for the office, rogue that I am

Timmo: Did you hear that? I might be coming off right now but I heard it right, no fucking blunnies or patent leathers for this cunt, he’s a real professional cunt he is and he even smells faintly of grog

Clive: Glen Fiddich, single malt, fifty years old

Clovis: Delicious

Karen: Clovis, don’t encourage him

Timmo: Just like a woman to get in the way of a real conversation between men

Clive: Quite, now matey what’s your drop? Care for a swig from my hipflask

Clovis: Mc Allister

Sam: I wouldn’t drink that if I were you, looks like he’s got a mad case of herpes

Clive: Its a cold sore if you must know, I haven’t heard of that one matey, how many years is it?

Karen: Same thing

Ruth: Is it the same thing?

Clovis: Oh, I’ve been drinking it for at least six by now

Sam: definitely, same virus, wouldn’t let him near your crotch with that lot on his gob

Clive: No how long in the cask?

Ruth: Well, I don’t image there’s much need to worry about that, you see its been

Clovis: Well I’ve been on the goon a lot longer than that, lets see it was year eight, or nine, so I must have been

Timmo: Hey blokes, fellow dick havers, I’ve got a 4 litre of the old fruity dyslexia I copped down me trackies, we’ll get the bleeders tanked an have a little party

Sam: Your disgusting!

Timmo: Don’t worry you’re rags out rags, we’ll be up before chundering too

Sgt. Bazza: I’ll stop you right there thanks! All this talk of whiskey and menstruation has no place in a group therapy session!

Sam: I thought that was pretty much par

Karen: especially for a little parapsychology fiasco like this

Sgt. Bazza: Well not here thank yourselves! look at you all squandering your Burgermate fun time rehab hours as if they were just the ordinary cankers you (except you Mr. Slooshpin) call slices of your lives. This is not a time for frivolous funny buggers or any other kind of bugger, this is a time for part state part resturant chain sanctioned and ordered therapy to fix you all and have you trotting back into the groves your insufficent little pumice balled brains have melted in. Do I make myself clear?

Timmo: Don’t waste your god wheeze o sargent, my sargent, its clear on any glazzy these grozzy dick cutters are sluts, total grozzy, total total fucking, flithy, low saloon door, floor wiping grubs

Sgt. Bazza: We get the picture Tim, mate, save some for the force cunt

Karen: What’s so odvious?! You all talk a fine lot for people who’ve come barging in here

Timmo: All tit hangers who take drugs are sluts, simple, that’s why I give them up you for shit and I by the way I got a little riddle I’m holding the key to, if you catch my drift and your gash is weeping

Sam: For fuck’s sake!

Clive: Please watch you’re language, my fiance is trying to wash out her mouth as well as her lungs, vein, last name and brains

Karen: You’re not even married to this guy?

Ruth: No not yet but

Clive: How could she be, the state she’s in? What kind of a mother’s that going to make aye? What am I going to have to come home to every evening?

Sam: How do you exist?

Clive: Actually, thanks to the great culture recyc, I’m in fucking vogue.

Sam: Why do you put up with this?

Ruth: Whatever he says I really do want to quit, for myself

Sgt. Bazza: Finally, progress!

Clive: and so she can find absolution and dissolve herself into me, its a small price to pay

Timmo: Fuckin too right

Sam: Shut the fuck up!

Sgt. Bazza: So you admit you have a problem?

Ruth: I’ve been admitting that for weeks

Karen: Maybe your focusing on the wrong problem

Sgt. Bazza: Don’t confuse her smoke of satan! What other problem could there be? She’s got a good man, looks, nice clothes, a promising career as a secretary, accountant and general office dogsbody to her husband

Clive: for now

Sgt. Bazza: See? everything she could want!

Karen: that’s hardly a life

Sam: What about what she wants

Clive: I know exactly what she wants

Sgt. Bazza: Se we know exactly what she wants!

Timmo: Exactly what we wants!

Ruth: Don’t I get a say in this?

Karen: You lot, a gang of slobbering, foul mouthed, stone age

Sam: feelingless, posturing cunts!

Sgt. Bazza: Unfeeling!

Sam: You have the emotional capacity of a tapeworm

Timmo: What would you know about tapeworms? I’ve known a few, they’re thinking, feeling creatures; just like any of your cuter animals like a centipede or a skull fucking spider

Sgt. Bazza: Exactly, you’re going too far there sweettits, why Timmo here is an accomplished poet, for weeks he’s been just brimming and throbbing and bursting all over us with feeling, lyrical, creative, poetic feeling.

Timmo: too fucking right mate, I’m a savant me

Sgt. Bazza: I know you get slick as a binbag water slide for that and why not?

Timmo: Too fucking right, I’m a fucking maestro la lingua and cunnilingua if you’re interested

Clive: He’s really very good

Sam: Fuck off

Sgt. Bazza: Shut your dick hole! It seems these supposedly open minded, accepting, bleeding cunted folks don’t believe that someone like our Timmo here could be a poet. Not educated enough for you? Too raw? Too real? Or are you just too fucking swelled by your little monopoly on feelings that you can’t stand that anyone that’s not a clone of your bullshit selves could possibly be capable of slapping a few words together

Timmo: Its a bit more to it than fucking that Sarge.

Sgt. Bazza: Don’t interrupt me when I’m fucking a point boy!

Clovis: It just seems a little far fetched.

Sgt. Bazza: Right then my fuck, we’ll just have to have a recital then won’t we

Sam: Oh god

Ruth: Its over quicker if you don’t complain, here lets slip off for a smoke

Timmo: I call this one Ice Chill, I wrote while addicted to Ice

Timmo Reads “Ice Chill”

Ice is imprisoning me
All that see, absolute psycho
Ice has, taken my heart
Taken my soul
Taken the core of me,
Ice flows, go on
Ice ice ice ice

Ice is imprisoning me
All that I, feel everything’s frosty
Like a, polar bear
In an ice cage
Icicle bars,
They feel really good
Ice ice ice ice

Ice has imprisoned me
All that I want, but its really costly
Ice is, my only friend
Not including my mum
And Shane
And Wazza
And carly
Ice ice ice ice

Ice is imprisoning me
Lowers my sperm count
How will, I ever be a dad?
Sometimes it,
Makes me sad
Oh why won’t you help me melt
Ice ice ice ice
Ice

Timmo: well?

Sam: Did you actually write fucking ‘oh’ in the last stanza

Timmo: too fucking right

Sam: Terrible

Karen: Awful

Clovis: I liked the part about the polar bear

Karen: et tu Clove?

Sgt. Bazza: I knew it, no appreciation for the common man

Clive: I think officer mate, these shrews are too inclined to squeak than to offer a proper opinion. I thoroughly enjoyed it, I found it poignant and would like to make it the centre piece of my company newsletter

Timmo: Really? No fuck?

Clive: No fuck Tim, no fuck, I can call you Tim can’t I?

Timmo: Oh my fuck, you can fucking call me what you want!

Clive: Its our helping hands to the sore feet on the streets issue, gives the troops a good dose of human milk

Karen: Curdled I daresay

Clovis: Oh no you didn’t!

Sam: god

Clive: It also reminds them of why we work

Song: Why we work

Sgt. Bazza: very uplifting me’lud

Timmo: very enlightening brov, gov, mate

Sam: Why don’t you fuck off with your piece of shit newsletter and your piece of shit poem and get out of our house!

Timmo: Hip swinger!

Sam: Get out! All of you!

Ruth: Me too?

Sam: Yes you too! Though maybe you can come back later if you want but the rest of you fuck off and die!

Exit Timmo, Ruth and Clive

Sgt. Bazza: You’ve ruined my group therapy session, I hope you’re fucking over the moon, wet tits!

Sam: I don’t care, get out!

Karen: Yeah, get out of here

Clovis: Do we get certificates of participation?

Sgt. Bazza: No you don’t don’t get fucking certificates of participation! In fact if this is the way you want it, you’ll be refucking sentenced! Dragged over the keel and fucked by the wigged dick of the judiciary and see if I don’t dance on your ass hat graves, you, you spoilers you, nasty rotten spoilers! You’ve spoiled my group, naughty spoilers! All I wanted was to fix people with burgers and fries, the best burgers and fries a bloke can cunt, BurgerMate get it in ya! But you had to spoil it, fuck you all, I’m going home for a pie and hot chips.

Clovis: Do you want a satchet of tomato sauce?

Sam: Clovis!

Sgt. Bazza: Is it Burgermate Townsville Tinnie Treacle?

Clovis: No

Sgt. Bazza: fuck off, I’ve got work to do.


Exit Sgt. Bazza


Karen: Hats off Sam!

Clovis: Hats off!

Sam: Shut up, roll a blizzay

Clovis: they’ve taken all the verde la mare

Sam: Shit, fuck

Enter Technicians Andirov and Buggatov, they wheel in a TV and begin looking around the house, measuring things, tapping on walls

Sam: Who are you?

Andirov: Officials of the court!

Buggatov: Technicians, my Andreai Andirov, we’re technicians of the court

Andirov: Don’t sell us short Peytor Buggatov, not in front of the females

Karen: Which court are you from?

Andirov: The People’s court

Max: There’s no such place

Buggatov: The magistrates court Andreai Andirovskya

Andirov: a lot of the people end up there

Buggatov: Its a rogues gallery of poor fashion, alligator jackets, bums, plebs, petty thieves, drink drivers, hot rope growers, those who have been too free with fists and broken bottles, oh and so, so many people squabbling over filthy children that they don’t really want, haha who could?.

Andirov: Who are they Petya Buggonatty, if not the people?

Buggatov: Oh Anisim Analoggos, you warm my heart with your sense of humour

Andirov: And you my dear Pasha Buggatovnik are the anchor of sense and decorum that gives my heart license to soar

Buggatov: And you my dear Anatolli Ansemilovka

Sam: Don’t you people ever knock, or shut up?!

Andirov: How dare you! To speak so to officials of the court!

Buggatov: What do you mean by you people?!

Sam: All of you!

Karen: Dogs of orthodoxy and conformity!

Sam: K, please! You people can’t just keep barging in here, arresting us, disecting us, using us and the ruination of our lives to sell your shit. Our lives are our own

The technicians find this hilarious

Karen: Don’t mind them Sam, they’re clearly unbalanced

Sam: What’s the point

Clovis: I think they’re great fun

Andirov: She’s so impetusous Dear Pyotor Bulldogskov

Buggatov: Such charming naivety Anton Angnostivov

Sam: Just do what you cam here to do and leave

Andirov: We don’t mean to insult you young devotchka but no one’s life is their own, not even our own poor geeznys belongs to us and we are officials of the court

Buggatov: Technicians Arkady Anatolliov

Andriov: Live a little Patya Bonkovski

Karen: What are you doing here?

Andirov: You don’t know little prestoopchecka?

Buggatov: Alledged prestoopnick Apostol Almanachiov, my dear it should have been emailed to you by the arresting representative of your law enforcement provider

Clovis: We don’t have computers actually

Andirov: No computers? Come, come now my pale little chelloveck, in this country no is so poor as for a… dwelling, to have not a single computer

Buggatov: No one, at least, to speak of

Karen: We don’t have computers anymore

Andirov: Did you cast them off in a fit of anti-materialist pique, my fiesty little cheena?

Buggatov: That was rash batutchka, little rash

Karen: They were smashed by previous interlopers

Andirov: All smashed?

Sam: As you can see

Buggatov: All smashed

Andirov: This will be a problem for you, the court has been migrated online

Sam: For fuck’s sake

Karen: There’s no physical court?

Clovis: Well that’s handy really, must be very efficient

Karen: Clovis please

Buggatov: You need a computer or a phone to get on the net

Andirov: Do you have a webcapable toaster?

Karen: Certainly not!

Clovis: We like our toasters limited to home wireless network, no one needs to know how much toast I have but me!

Karen: Oh Clovis

Enter Leslie Beautucks and Stux McCaulikulk

Leslie: Hi! I’m Leslie Beauxtucks

Stux: That’s right Leslie, and I’m Stux McCaulikulk, driver of the Winnebago, star of Infropran, Nostrum of Zordan

Leslie: That’s right Stux and we heard that you fine consumers might be in need of some technology

Stux: That’s right Leslie and we also heard that you might not be able to pay for it all right now

Leslie: That’s right Stux, we heard ya’ll were a pack of young derralicts couldn’t come up with a red dollar at a bloodbath and so we’re hear to help!

Stux: That’s right Leslie, we’re here to help!

Sam: I very much doubt that

Leslie: That’s al right Samantha, doubt is but the manure that faith springs from

Sam: How do you know my name?!

Leslie: Don’t act so indigent darling, you know I know everything about you

Stux: That’s right folks, thanks to the miracle of passive data gathering techonology finally we and our good friends at Omniprez have the power to enact where there has always been a will

Leslie: That’s right Stux, thanks to the very connectedness that we so love being a part of pushing and the resulting changing attitudes toward privacy entities like Omniprez are in a position to know what they need to know to tailor products and packages toward you, almost specifically

Sam: You knew my name

Leslie: What’s in a name? But we’re not here to talk about that y’hear!

Stux: That’s right Leslie, we’re here to bring you the good news about Omniprez and Omniprez Rope a Dope financial services

Karen: That’s a pretty insulting trademark

Leslie: Its ironic dear

Karen: I don’t see the irony in….

Stux: that’s right Leslie, and ironically

Karen: I still don’t see

Stux: that’s right Karen, we’re here to tell the you good news about what how you at home can

Sam: Where else would we be listening to you?

Leslie: Anywhere darlin, this is the future

Stux: That’s right Leslie and the future’s bright, the future’s Omniprez

Leslie: That’s right Stux, how would you like a bleeding edge, ultra styled, Omniconnectival Beanbox 4.0?

Stux: That’s right Leslie, we sure would, especially as it comes with the brand new Skynet inet operating system Creampie 8

Leslie: That’s right Stux, running on the new Skynet Internal Cumbustion engine the Omniconnectival Beanbox 4.0 gives you all the gracuous clicktivity you could desire with on board HDMI, USB5, FSB2, FBI7 and CIA3, wireless tracking and Interpol Raid connection ports the Omniconnectival Beanbox keeps you in touch everywhere you go

Stux: That’s right Leslie but wait there’s more! Ever wanted to make a movie on the train and then send it to your buddy sitting next to you? Ever wanted to be able to stalk acquaintances and people you went to primary school with from the comfort of your own toilet? Ever wanted to keep over three hundred tabs, two hundred IM programmes, six movies, three video games and edit two movies of your friends sitting around looking pathositk and get the machine your doing it all on in a range of exciting colours? Well the Omniconnectival BeanBox 4.0 is far from being capable of all that but it is a computer, has nice smooth edges and comes in a range of colours.

Leslie: That’s right Stux Omniprez are the leaders in personalised computing and they’ve put their full, industry leading weight behind this product, meaning that when you get a BeanBox not only do you get the smoothest computer available but also that product can be tailored exactly to you, when you choose from a wide range of four distinct colours

Stux: That’s right Leslie, thanks to the great innovative people who brought you the world’s sleekest computer comes what is both the world’s smoothest and most potentially colourful computing device, that’s more than eight times as much in the fields of smooth, colour and the category of cool

Leslie: That’s right Stux, the real selling point of the BeanBox 4.0 is that unlike many less smooth and monocolorific data machines the BeanBox 4.0 is cool, it’ll soon be appearing in all the movies and televisions shows the people whose opinions you peg your self esteem to watch and talk about incessantly; I know I do.

Stux: That’s right Leslie, thanks to Omniprez, Omniprez loves you and Omniprez sees you, you can jump ahead of the curve, fit in, stand out and engage with you peers and community like never before and the best part is that as a part of Omniprez’s All Copper Is Gold social inclusion initiative even those of you who can’t afford the great price of $2999.99 can be a proud owner of this cool gadget.

Clovis: How?

Karen: Clovis don’t listen to them, Sam we got to do something, he can’t resist, he’s too sweet and gullible

Sam: Shut up Clovis! Don’t talk to these pieces of shit

Karen: Shut up Clovis!

Clovis: Why not?

Sam: Or I’ll fucking slap you that’s why

Leslie: Guys, guys guys, there’s no need for concern, we’re just here to bring you the good news, how you use the information is up to yourselves

Stux: That’s right Leslie, guys we just want you to know and be aware of all the benefits of the great new lines of credit that are opening up for people just like you. With a small up front fee and by undertaking certain covenants with Omniprez, you too can live in the connected, wholesome future that your friends, peers, cohorts and family do.

Sam: But they don’tand I can’t afford that

Karen: Neither can I

Clovis: Broketty broke

Karen: Thank fuck

Leslie: Clovis, can I call you Clovis? Clove, Omniprez loves you

Karen: close you mind to this siren’s song Clovis!

Clovis: they…

Leslie: It

Clovis: It does?

Leslie: We do, Omniprez do. Clove with Omniprez Rope a dope financing you don’t have to worry!

Stux: That’s right Leslie, Omniprez loves you and Omniprez sees you. With Omniprez Rope a dope financing you never have to worry, to be contstrained by such plebian, temporal concepts like money, income and financial independence.

Leslie: That’s right Stux, because Omniprez loves you, Omniprez sees you as more than just a customer, past this flesh, this clay; Omniprez sees you as the wonderful being that you are, are we.

Stux: That’s right Keslie, Clovis Omniprez Rope a Dope is a covenant between you and Omniprez that enshrines you as one of the many important revenue streams in your region’s Omniprez business unit region division department section.

Leslie: That’s right Stux, Clovis with Omniprez Rope a Dope financing we look at your future and how we can be a part of that future, helping ourselves to help more members of your community and helping ensure you become a responsible, stabile person.

Stux: That’s right Leslie, Clovis our extensive, expensive and extra legal researches into a little field our friends at BurgerMate State all U can eat called human development dollar and bun dynamics; has shown that people with onerous, burdensome financial liabilities are overwhelming more likely to live the sedentary, stable, sanitised, responsible, quiet, pre-planned and pre-packed lives we all aspire to.

Leslie: That’s right Stux, Clovis a covenant with Omniprez Rope a Dope financial services is more than just the undertaking to repay a loan at an upwardly variable15% interest over fifteen years

Clovis: Fifteen years!

Leslie: That’s right Clovis but starting next year of course

Clovis: But its November!

Stux: That’s right Clove but remember a covenant with Omniprez is more than just a financial undertaking, its also a legally binding promise to yourself that you are going to be a better, more functional and valuable member of society. Remember Clove, Omniprez, its parent and subsidiary companies is well, omnipresent in your day to day life; so a covenant with Omniprez is a covenant with life.

Leslie: That’s right Clovey, I can call you Clovey? Clovey, Omniprez is woven delicately into the fabric of your life but more importantly that great lovely warm scarf on a wintry existence that is community

Stux: Your community Clovey

Leslie: That’s right Stux, your community Clovey. A covenant with Omniprez is a covenant with and for your community

Clovis: And what kind of service and features can I get by making a covenant with Omnipres Leslie?

Sam: Clovis no!

Karen: Snap out of it Clovis!

Clovis: Its ok guys, I’m with Omniprez now, its time to enter a new phase of my life, to be a pillar of the community, to give back to it by taking out a high interest personal loan maybe even a mortgage if my repayment history is good

Leslie: By starting today, you know it will be, as part of your service package you’ll get exclusive round the clock telephonic access to our state of the art contact centres, be issued a personalised account number and be able to see your loan balance and interest payments on any of the webcapable technology you can buy with your loan but only if you apply today

Stux: Fixed, variable rate!

Karen: Clovis stop! Don’t sign that paper, think of your soul!

Clovis: But K, you’re a social materialist and we need a computer

Karen: There has to be another way!

Leslie: There is no other way

Stux: That’s right Leslie, this is the entry level to connected society Clove, there are no other pathways to a glowing rectangle future

Sam: Don’t listen to them Clovis, plenty of people get technology without credit, we did!

Clovis: We were younger then Sam, this is the only way

Karen: Clovis, Clovis

Clovis: Don’t cry for me K, I do this for the community, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one

Karen: Clovis

Clovis signs the proffered paper

Stux: Clovis, you’ve made the right decision

Leslie: That’s right Stux, Clov can I call you Clov? Clov, you won’t regret this, this is beginning of a new life for you and your community

Stux: That’s right Clovis, the next fifteen years are going to be great

Clovis: Can I have my computer now?

Leslie: Box is in the post, adio!

Stux: So long Clovey, keep up those repayments or we’ll be back!

Leslie: Tha’t right Stux, and Clovis, don’t forget if you default it makes Omnicorp sad, you break its heart, a heart given so freely

Stux: That’s right Leslie, an a broken hearted Omiprez isn’t going to want to get burned again, we it might not be so giving in future, to you or anyone in this community, the community that makes you, that you’ll stain with your fiscal irresponsibility

Leslie: That’s right Stux, if Omniprez suffers, the community suffers, if you don’t pay, nobody gets paid

Stux: That’s right Leslie, we know that Clovis here would never do anything to harm his community.

Leslie: That’s right Clovis, Omniprez loves you a lot and things can get nasty if you’re unfaithful to someone who loves you a lot

Stux:That’s right Clovis, especially when money is involved

Leslie: But there’s no need to worry I’m sure

Stux: That’s right Leslie, no need to worry, enjoy the toy kid

Exit Stux and Leslie

Enter Alfonso Bagguchi and Max Arthechoke

Alfonso: Clovis this is for you I think

Clovis: My new BeanBox!

Max: What a useless piece of shit, if you wanted a computer you should have bought one.

Clovis: the Beanbox, great, now we can make our court appearance. What have I done!

Sam: Alfonso Bagguchi

Alfonso: Samantha Golightly

Clovis: How do I turn it on?

Sam: Never thought I’d see you around here again, y’old bastard

Alfonso: I could say the same for you, y’old bastard

Karen: Please that’s revolting, good to see you back in one piece Alfonso

Max: Oh and no one’s pleased to see me

Clovis: How does it work, Karen?

Karen: Let me have a look

Sam: Give it here

Alfonso: Sam, who are those chaps?

Sam: Of course, perfect you’re a genius old boy; you two technicians of the court

Clovis: Officials of the court Samantha

Andirov: Clever boy, he is astute this one

Buggatov: Actually the pretty but annoying devotchka is right, we are technicians

Sam: Whatever, here can you use one of these?

Andirov: Its an old model, might not be compatible

Buggatov: Yes its ancient,

Max: An ancient piece of shit

Buggatov: Where did you get it?

Clovis: I just had it sent to me, I took out a loan

Andirov: I feel for you

Sam: Can you make it work?

Buggatov: I believe so yes

Karen: Let me help you

Alfonso: Who did you say they were?

Andirov: We are officials of the Magistrate’s court

Alfonso: Magistrate’s court? Are you in some kind of trouble?

Sam: They found our plants

Max: Great! Now we can all go to fucking prison

Alfonso: Did they take them?

Sam: Of course they took them al, fuck!

Alfonso: I’m sorry, I was only asking

Sam: Well what the fuck do you think? You just walk back in, I tell you they found that plants; which should tell you that I just got fucking arrested, that you might be in trouble too and you want to know if they took them.

Alfonso: I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m awful, I don’t think, I’m a cunt, I wasn’t here I should have been here

Max: Yes you should you welching little shit

Sam: Its alright, you weren’t to know

Max: Don’t let the puss gland ooze out of it! Tear his balls off!

Alfonso: I’m just so insensitive, why you should want to be with such a massive is cunt is beyond me, I wouldn’t blame you if you asked me to leave, I wouldn’t you know

Sam: You’re not so bad, its alright, stay stay, please, you make me happy.

Max: Pathetic, your a pathetic limp leek shit and a hypocrite you wouldn’t be half as decent to me.

Alfonso: Yes I am, is it alright? Are you ok were you charged? Am I?

Sam: Yes we were, no you aren’t. These guys are setting up a feed to the court

Alfonso: Fuck that must be stressful, looking I’m sweating bullets for you

Max: You’re always sweating you fat git, he’s always sweating, stinks like shit

Karen: No kidding

Clovis: I wasn’t so worried when the 5-0 were here but now that you mention it, I do feel damocles sword, swishing closer and closer to the nap of my neck

Buggatov: It would be your Anatolli’s Apple the blade of Damoclorkoff is pending its way toward, you’d be lying face up, what’s the point of having a slowly descending form of death if the condemed cannot see and be terrified of its approaches?

Karen: you’re not helping comrade

Andirov: Comrade, she says, if only she knew

Alfonso: Here, take this I brought up north, had a few Alabama roll ups on the way here; not bad

Sam: You drop this on the table when this we’re about to be streamed live to a fucking magistrate!

Alfonso: shit shit shit

Karen: Come on Al, 100 points for the gift but minus 200 for the timing, buddy

Andirov: If you want to bang out a quick one before the link is established, we won’t tell a soul, will we Pavel Bellenyanoff?

Buggatov: Its not in my job description as a technician of the court Alik Astoboikoff

Karen: Thank you comrades thats very kind of you

Andirov: Comrades nothing, why not slip us a couple of grams to make it a sure thing?

Alfonso: Here, here

Sam: Clovis, you’re turn, get rolling

Karen: On the double Clove

Alfonso: Chop chop

Max: Quick smart, we wouldn’t want any magistrates seeing would we, idiots, self fullfilling shit prophecies all of you. You get busted and what do you do, go right back, you haven’t even been sentenced yet and you’re rolling for fuck’s sake

Clovis: Quiet! I can’t concentrate with you talking like that, I’ve got to get this stupid contraption working too

Karen: Are you feeling alright Clove?

Sam: Give it here, there,

Max: Dunce

Karen: Shit put it away Clovis!

Clovis: I’ve just finished it!

Sam: For god sake put it away!

The screen flickers to life Magistrate Ethielle Tower’s face fills the screen, Bailiff Acki Sessory face moves in front to make announcements and respond to the Magistrate when called upon.

Tower: Hello? Hello! Technician Andirov? Buggatov? Bailiff Sessory, is it working?

Acki: Yes your honour, I believe it is

Tower: Then why can’t I see them?

Acki: I believe you can view the alleged miscreants up here your honour, in this small window to the south westerly declination of the screen.

Tower: ah yes, thank you Acki. Now kindly get on with it

Acki: Indeed your honour? Of course, immediately your honour. Hrrmph, hello defendants, technicians of the court, hello

Clovis: Hi

Tower: Don’t speak until spoken to dear

Clovis: Sorry

Tower: Don’t mention it, carry on Bailiff Acki

Acki: er yes, well this live video link web chatroom of the court is now online and in sessions, all rise or type a smiley face for

Tower: Ten years! With a non-parole period of 5

Sam: That’s outrageous!

Karen: You haven’t heard the evidence yet!

Clovis: How do I type a smiley face?

Tower: Sorry, that was for another case I’m moderating at the moment, please try and keep up

Acki: for the right accurate and emphatic magistrate and channel moderator, the adjudicator who loves to holiday in Aruba, the only, the lovely, lets get ready to be judged, Ethielle Tower! Yay yay, hoorah, woot.

Tower: Thank you, thank you and ladies and germs before we begin I’d like to acknowledge my forever faithful and helpful clerk of the court friday, Bailiff Acki Sessory, who has bee such a help to me over the years, especially last week filling in for me during my guest spot on Up Late With Cherise Prudence,

Acki: A pleasure you honour

Tower: She’s got the web’s number one legal talk show and webisoding cook blog you know; I don’t know if you saw it but you know if you had and wanted to post a nice comment, well who knows….

Sam: Can we plead guilty and get this over with please?

Karen: Samantha, we’re innocent and proven guilty, let them do their jobs, put that down Clovis!

Sam: Clovis has a point, I just want them to bug off so we can get back on with our lives

Alfonso: I wish I could put my hand up for all this nasty business, I really do

Max: why don’t you?

Alfonso: but it would just make things more complicated I’m sure,

Max: Spineless cum jelly

Tower: Its excellent to see youngish people with a real zest for the law, don’t I always say that Bailiff

Acki: Indeed your honour, an apt phrase your

Tower: A restraining order, $900 in damages and costs, payable to Larry’s fun time car wash and grill

Acki: Honour is quite vociferous in broadcasting

Tower: And with goo reason, you’ve got to encourage the good apples ay bailiff, even if they’ve got the odd bruise or two

Acki: Indeed your honour

Clovis: This is very different to television isn’t it

Alfonso: I was about to say the very same thing

Max: Idiots

Tower: We’re not interested in your televicarious habits here, just your extra legal ones. I wouldn’t have been uninclined to say that it wasn’t an unserious case that’s been brought to my attention. However it is on the balance of reasonableness and beyond possible doubt that you are clearly unrepentant of your actions and of such a charmingly roguish but still alarmingly ballsy disposition toward this virtual court and its simulated propriety that you have the gal to be sitting there calmly smoking a Kingston Fire!

Karen: Clovis, for fuck’s sake!

Clovis: Sorry sorry!

Sam: Your honour I’d like to be tried separately from these people

Karen: Samanth Golightly! I thought we were the three Bluntskateers!

Tower: I’m afraid not defendant Golightly, I’ve got too many tabs open it is. I shall though reflect you reaction to this in my judgement. Do any of your wish to contradict the statement of your reporting law enforcement representative?

Sam: Yes

Karen: What did they say?

Sam: Can’t we just get it over with?

Tower: Clovis Jones?

Clovis: I’d like to hear as well

Tower: Your attending Burgermate Secureco law enforcement representative gave the following statement. That they did, travelling by cola refreshment patrol car, attend your premises earlier this evening, around (give time play started), when everyone was settled and provided with quality dining and refreshment options

a search of the premises was undertaken by officers, with the aid of special Omniprez mince and drug sensing technology they located several plants of the genus Cannabis Type L, as seen on Burgermate Broadcasting Channel original drama Buds. The defendants then, in the words of the arresting representatives broke down into hysterics like “the frightened Preston Pigeon Parrots they are”, I don’t follow that analogy so I shall disregard it. There was a short intermission, you were taken under delicious arrest (though at no point were you fry locked) and Burgermate Smile Time Therapy was administered, Clovis Jones disrupted the session and the matter was refered to this court. Are you all happy with that? Samantha Golightly are you happy with that?

Sam: Yes your honour

Tower: Karen Sqwab, are you happy with that?

Karen: No comment

Tower: Clovis Jones, happy with that?

Clovis: At no point was I offered refreshment or dining options, even though I was a little thirsty and am getting a bit peckish by now.

Tower: Did you make these needs known to the attending representatives?

Clovis: No your honour

Tower: Then it is my judgement that you will all receive diversions, considering that this is the first offence you’ve been brazen or stupid enough to be caught in the act of.

Karen: Suprisingly fair

Tower: All except you Clovis Jones, in note to your statements to police and disruptive behaviour during these proceedings I have no alternative but to apply a twelve month good behaviour bond and fine you $2999, do you have anything to say?

Clovis: I can’t pay that, not now, not soon your honour

Tower: Then items to a value of $1500 shall be removed form your property, what’ve you got?

Clovis: Well I’ve just got this Bean Box 4.0

Tower: That’d be worth about $1500, wouldn’t you say Acki?

Acki: Indeed you honour, however such devices devalue incredibly quickly so we should act promptly your honour

Tower: Very good then, the BeanBox will be removed from your possession and you are ordered to be of good behaviour for twelve months, or else, right Acki?

Acki: Indeed your honour

Tower: Right, tug away technicians of the court, come on Acki, lets get back to that game of musical chairs

Acki: Very good your honour

The technicians disconnet the Beanbox, the television flickers off, they remove the box from Clovis grasp and wheel off the television.

Sam: Well that could have gone worse. Spark up that Moroccan Sidewinder Clove

Clovis: Here K, I think I need a second.

Sam: So Al, why the long face?

Alfonso: Not worried about what just happened?

Karen: Yeah, but you look like the burgeoning Chinese Communist Party after a march.

Sam: I don’t think that analogy is going to hold water

Karen: Still got a rise out him

Max: Any word with a V-A-G in it, gets a rise out him, vague, vagrant, they don’t even have to be consecutive village, gravel, grave; we walked past a cemetery on the way here and he couldn’t stop tittering like a spavined pigeon.

Alfonso: I resigned today

Max: Over getting fired

Karen: Good for you old man!

Sam: What did you say?

Clovis: Did you tell them? Mr. Johanson you can take this popsicle stand and lick it!

Alfonso: Well, not exactly

Sam: Well tell us, tell us!

Max: They said you can resign or we can fire you and you said?

Alfonso: We’ll they were saying they were unhappy with me, with the unpunctuality particularly

Max: And the absenteeism

Karen: I always did admire your absenteeism and general tardiness, an excellent form of passive resistance, but this is better of course, active! Bolshy! Who needs them! I’ll go my own way!

Alfonso: Well that’s not exactly it

Sam: let him tell the story K

Alfonso: And I said I was trying but they said they’d given me plenty of chances and I said I understood and then they said you can quit or we can fire you. So I quit

Sam: So you got fired

Max: Of course he did

Clovis: Fired? I’m sorry Al

Karen: Good for you old man!

Max: Silly woman can’t you see he’s upset

Sam: At least we can spend more time together now

Max: Me me me

Clovis: So you can come out with us tonight?

Alfonso: I suppose I can, yeah

Max: Out? We’re already stewed for fucks sake. That annual leave pay out isn’t going to last long is it?

Sam: Are you looking for another job Al?

Karen: Sam, I’m surprised at you, he needs to breathe first, don’t you Al?

Alfonso: I guess, yeah

Karen: Take a rest from the wicked world of wage slavery, it’ll do you good

Clovis: We can have that game of Dungeons and Dragons we’ve been talking about

Max: three hours off the job and your already regressing

Alfonso: he’s right

Sam: You don’t have to play D n D, if you don’t want to

Clovis: But he does want to

Max: What do any of you pukes know about what he wants?

Karen: Its hardly how he wants to spend his time, you can come with me to branch meetings now, get back out there on the street corners, spreading the good ruddy word!

Sam: Karen, he’s got writing to do, what about your New Years resolution?

Max: He’s never kept a resolution in his life, unless you count the unspoken covenant he took at birth to be an indolent, fat pile of shit.

Alfonso: I’m going to get fat

Sam: You’re not fat Alfonso

Alfonso: But I’m going to get fat, I am fat, so fatter, sitting on my arse all day

Sam: You know you don’t have to sit on your arse all day

Karen: though in our work based, techno-capitalist society, doing absolutely nothing is tantamount to civil disobedience.

Alfonso: how depressing

Sam: you don’t have to sit around, there’s lots we can do

Max: But that’s exactly what’s going to happen

Alfonso: Oh, I see, well I suppose there is a lot we could do

Max: You’re disgusting Bagguchi crepulently foul and you Golightly, deluded.

Karen: You could come down the pub with us

Max: And sit on your arses together down there?

Sam: I have to go to centrelink first

Clovis: It’s the job centre for me, I’m late for my appointment as it is

Alfonso: You’re a brave man Clovis, to go in your condition

Clovis: I’m pretty used to it by now, I’ll just dress real nice, it’ll blindside them and make me feel all like

Karen: You dress nice all the time

Sam: Aw shucks

Max: To hide the fact that your a total idiot, a misasma of MDMA mashed mitochondrials often making a most momentary of stirs due to an unwise matching of maroon to purple or green to fuck all.

Karen: He does and you’re a cherub Clovis, an uncarved block, you’re a receptacle; much better than being respectable.

Song: Respectable

Karen: So you see our notion of what’s respectable is a regulating mechanism based on the valourised public behaviour of the upper classes. It has no basis in the reality of these people or any others. Its tied hand in hand with wealth, keeping your mouth shut and not taking whats yours. Why else don’t people rob people who leave produce on the pavement blind, why else are self serve frozen yoghurt stands, self check outs and vending machines as a whole viable forms of commerce?

Sam: The surplus value between the cost of production and price of sale?

Karen: That’s a big part of it yes, very good Samantha but why do people no rob these market places blind? Why are not the shells of all vending machines smashed open and charred by flame?

Clovis: The police state and the growing, ossifying impact of the move toward corporate investment in and provision of security?

Karen: Also very good, shit you’ve been listening, but ultimately

Max: you mean ultimately your point is

Karen: the reason for the, on the whole, inviolate bond of property in our society goes deeper! Deep into our language, the very webbing of our collective subconscious, that the nobility, the rich and powerful are good good good, noble if you will

Max: Oh god, your shit makes me die  

Karen: That to be like them, to share their values will make you good; a good slave! You think the wealthy don’t steal or loot or lie or fuck each other over? How do you think they got rich and stay rich. Some may have worked at it but by and large and the larger they get the more they’re extorting on a daily basis from their employees, the further removed they are from real life and productivity, the more they become obsessed with a morality which they know doesn’t apply to them anymore

Max: its not as though I disagree with you totally, just listening to you and watching the snug animation of your excuse for face makes me want to smash it in

Sam: Morality never applies to the judge, pleb or patrician

Karen: a good worker is one who doesn’t argue, a noble savage is one who doesn’t resist. A noble art work is one that makes us forget this reality, a good artwork is not always one that challenges it.

Clovis: I don’t think I can anymore, I think I have to be good

Karen: You’ve too beautiful a soul to be good

Clovis: Whatever soul I had has to go, if I ever had one.

Karen: They’ll make a slave of you Clovis

Clovis: I know but I have to pay off that stupid computer, pile of shit, I’ve got to go to the job centre

Karen: But you’ve got a job Clove

Clovis: Its not good enough, I’m going to need more money, we’re going to need more money to keep them off our backs

Karen: don’t worry about them Clovis

Sam: We’ll help you pay it Clovis

Clovis: I can’t not worry, you’re all as bad off as I am right now

Karen: It’ll be ok

Clovis: I suppose so but I need to go

Karen: It’ll be ok, I’ll come keep you company

Clovis: Thanks

Exit Clovis

Karen: We’ll be right back, save me a little something alright?

Sam: Ciao

Alfonso: Bye K, take care

Exit Karen

Max: Good riddence, I thought they’d never believe, they’re enough to make you retch, you were all doing so well too and then they had to go get all boy meets girl plot

Alfonso: I don’t think I peed today

Max: Fuck off

Sam: you didn’t pee at all?

Max: are you fucking serious? You’re going to indulge this? He’s a fuck up I expect it from him but you’re supposed to have a fucking brain

Alfonso: I don’t think so, I

Sam: I pissed like three times today

Max: You want a fucking medal? Do you both want fucking medals for occupying the ends of the fucking piss spectrum? Completely fucking average

Alfonso: Well I normally shit and pee then but I didn’t poop today, so maybe i didn’t piss either

Max: This makes this conversations thrice as ruinous!

Sam: Missed it today then?

Al: yes, so no pissing, I normally piss when I shit at work

Sam: So you didn’t piss all day?

Max: that’s what he just said

Alfonso: yeah, it usually takes a while, I answer messages, check my email, read a little

sam: Efficient

Alfosno: yep, I didn’t today though, so no pee

Max: well I’m so glad we could clear that up

Alfonso: god what an erudite conversationalist I am

sam: do you want to come to le shops?

Max: That isn’t cute, nothing can be cute anymore

Alfonso: well

Max: Just say fucking no you gimp!

Alfonso: would you like me to come?

Sam: only if you want to

Max: just tell the bitch no, its just a walk to the fucking shops

Alfonso: I’m just a bit tired and what did want to get?

Max: Yes, tired of course you’re tired, who wouldn’t be after mazzing for twelve hours straight. Ha! and you thought no one knew, idiot, cum jockey jizz brain

Sam: I don’t know, just a few things for diner, maybe we could have a nice salad

Max: Do you want me to starve

Alfonso: Would you like that?

Sam: I don’t know, maybe, would you?

Alfonso: What would you prefer?

Sam: We could have something else?

Alfonso: Aubergine Parmigiana maybe or salad or something else.

Max: For fucks sake you two! Some one grow a pair, some one make a decision before I die, you freaks

Sam: What would you prefer?

Max: I’m cursed, doomed

Alfonso: Oh I’m easy, salad could be nice, unless you’d like something else

Sam: Yeah maybe

Max: Very good indigo children, you’re almost there

Sam: Did you want to come to the shops

Max: Just say no, no he doesn’t want to, can’t you tell?

Alfonso: Maybe not?

Sam: Oh, ok well I might head down, I’m hungry

Max: Bitch

Alfonso: Ok, see you in a bit

Sam: Bye Al

Alfonso: Bye, take care

Sam: I love you

Alfonso: Love you too

Sam: bye

exit Samantha, Alfonso pulls out a hanky and begins to masturbate into it

Max: Well that was the most awkward situation I’ve been in since I last got stranded with you two. Why doesn’t anyone ever listen to me? Huh? I might talk tough but its the truth, if you lot listened once in a while, you’d have less problems you drippy fuckwits. You especially Alfonso, you at least should listen to me being the drippiest fuckwit of them all. At least the others have got something going for them, half a brain or a good heart or the semblance of a spine but what have you got nothing, and I waste my breath on you, so clean out those ears and pay attention dickhead.

Alfonso: I’ve got nothing

Max: That’s right, I don’t know why I even bother, its your own fault

Alfonso: I push them away, then claw at them but do I really care?

Max: Exactly right, I’d be impressed if we hadn’t gotten here a thousand times before, self indulgent piece of shit

Alfonso: When it suits me

Max: Its not all about you though, you mopy cum stain

Alfonso: I need to try harder, go to the gym, find a new job, do something with my life

Max: I’ve heard all this before. Look at yourself idiot, look what you’re doing!

Alfonso: I’m out, my social credit is bankrupt, and why not? What a way to think! I just can’t think of what’s next, see the way forward

Max: You’ve always looked away, into the future, never your mind on what your were doing, which has mostly been to pump your cock, wank brain, who do you think your fooling?

Alfonso: Samantha, she’s all that matters, all that can matter

Max: But you don’t really think that, that’s not enough for you is it? Love and understand? No, big man it isn’t, mr suave adventure, its not. Its a lie and you know it

Alfonso: Why can’t I let myself be happy?

Max: You are happy, this is exactly where you want to be, why else would we keep ending up here?

Alfonso: I don’t know, I just don’t know, I

Max: Go on, go on! Say it!

Alfonso: Maybe it would be better if I weren’t to live anymore. It would be simpler, for everyone

Max: Oh so selfless, go then, do me a favour!

Alfonso: No, they’d be sad, there’s my family too

Max: A momentary cloud on the horizon mate, but a flicker of Dick Tracey’s fucking ceiling fan, set it to and its over in a second.

Alfonso: No, I can’t, not yet

Max: Typical, not yet, not yet, never, you don’t surprise me anymore

Enter Sam

Sam: Are you sure you don’t want to come? We can get baked beans

a clock strikes seven and a bright light, like a brilliant sunset fills the room.

Sam: Sir! I am shocked and deplored!

Alfonso: By what dearest Samantha?

Sam: By your bringing this monsterous gentleman, a man what hath cast such curses and oaths and such a weight of acrimony and vitriol about our neck, we felt, and we I emphasise, felt that we were as mssr Necker with a millstone of his monarch’s rancour at our throats. I refute him and detest his presence in our home, as should you.

Alfonso: It may have been that this was our home but in truth, I have not lived but existed only here for some time, I concede tht the house is yours.

Max: Lady, truly I beg your indulgence

Sam: Do not even speak serpent! For to hear the conjectures of your forked tongue, that paternatural appendage that leads you to a kill, is to be beguiled and I have had quite enough of your magic.

Al: How can you say such things? How can you expect atonement, to find reconciliation, if you won’t even hear what he has to say?

Sam: I do not expect to, I expect him to be gone when I return

Exit Sam

Max: I am sorry to have brought you low in your love’s esteem my friend

Al: She was once beloved of you too, in a way and it was the bitterness of our rivalry which so ill disposes her toward you now

Max: If I could take back that latter I wrote to you, denouncing her, in the hope of shaking you off your courtship I would. What a fool I was, what a strange and torturous plan! If I could occupy that mind of mine when still I had that missive in my blackguard’s hands I would tear it to shreds and make them clean again.

Al: A convoluted plan, labyrinthine, even by your scholar’s standards.

Max: An intrigue born of desperation, piteous for all my hatred, that will find few equivalents even in literature. It was duplicitous, foolishly so but without guile. I must have been mad when I took upon it, why even I hold only a secondary memory of the night

Alfonso:Aeschyluscould not have painted your actions any more strange or tragically, casting you out as they did

Max: It is my firmest hope, that after today we can put that time behind us

Alfonso: By the mode of your speech it seems it is already labelled and put so to your mind, to mine as well; no fear old friend, she’ll come around, no fear of it.

Max: Its agreeable to hear you call me friend once more

Alfonso: Yes, as it is to utter the term to you but hark! I hear more friend’s footsteps in the hall

Enter Karen and Clovis

Karen: Maxemellian Artechoke, I didn’t expect to see you around these parts again, you old bastard

Max: Karen Schwab, I didn’t expect to you, you old bastard

Karen: Whatcha doing in these parts? You old bastard

Max: I could ask you the same question, you old bastard

Karen: You old bastard

Alfonso: Indeed, well at least we know that Karen bears you no more poisonous a flower than her wit

Karen: No fear, I found you squabbling over Samantha most diverting from my needle point and libations

Clovis: You’ve taken up needle point?

Karen: Oh Clovis, such a darling. To speak plainly you old blackguard, it put more than a few noggins in the framework of my treatise “Of the general inferiority of male emotional intelligence and the implications for a patriarchal society”

Alfonso: You have such a verve for rubric Ms. Schwab

Max: I haven’t read that one, where did you publish it?

Karen: My blog, bamblewheezy.com

Clovis: Hello! I’m Clovis Jones, a pleasure and I’m sure an honour to meet you, you old bastard.

Karen: See Mr. Bagguchi? Our dear sweet, innocent, Clovis gets it

Alfonso: Clovis, do you not recognise him?

Clovis: I fear, and do excuse me sir, that in troth; I do not.

Max: Clovis its me, Max, Maxy, Maxa Duke, Meglamillion

Clovis: Those pet names sound awfully rum but not reminiscent I’m afraid, its disgusting of me

Max: We’re, we were, friends ya old bastard…. no, you old bastard? We lived together Clovis

Clovis: alas labour has dulled and leisure much smudged my memory, which is not what it once was; I am sorry to have forgotten you, Max. Know my friend that I stand almost on an island and do not be insulted or injured I beg you.

Karen: We’ve been out on the wrought Maxy, he’ll remember once he has taken his cure

Alfonso: And what concoction have you whipped up to draw off its torpor this time o weird sister

Karen Schwab?

Karen: We shall feast on yoghurt, and a muesli of cranberries, walnuts, cashews, oats, rice puffs and sunflower seeds; along with as my chassies of rosie as I can persuade him to drink. All very good for slaking the organic fire that has over boiled his blood.

Max: Clovis, how do you know I’m a friend if you don’t remember me?

Clovis: You say it is so, besides I have something of a responsibility to give you credence; due to the debt incurred by my fault of recall

Karen: Oh Clovis, darling

Max: darling? I always knew you two would find a felicitous conclusion to the camaraderie, rich in warmth as apollonian breath, that I was so well joyed and privileged to bear witness to.

Karen: But Master Artechoke, we are comrades still

Clovis: So, Max? You have been absent from our circle of seraphs sometime? Ms Schwab and I have been lovers for several seasons now, though I think that I express a joint sentiment in saying in our delight we have been quite timeless, like a poet’s turtle doves or lilting blossoms; like starlight in fact so ancient but affect so bright, so fresh and immediate.

Karen: You the soul of a poet my love!

Alfonso: He’s got the soul of something, that’s for sure

Max: Yes dear Clovis Jones, I have been gone some time and it has not weight on me so easily as did the starlight on the nights of my exile. Your dear companion will no doubt furnish you with the history, when out of our dear friend’s earshot but to cut a long story short

Alfonso: Yes, please do! Right friends?

Karen: Alfonso!

Max: Its alright, Alfonso’s generosity has gone so far as to entertain me today and in troth our friends must be getting perplexed, hungry and needing to piss; it is only right that I be brief on what otherwise might be an epic of its own. Clovis, let me just say Clovis, I used to call you Clove, can I call you Clove? Clove, dear Mr. Bagguchi and I were rivals forthe heart of our mutual cohort, Samantha Golightly. The acrimonious hatred of our dispute, was sharp and bristling with well placed barbs as such a disagreement can only be between erstwhile friends; it is secondary only, to the belligerence of passion sundered brothers.

Clovis: But now the issue is settle and you return to us?

Karen: Evidently

Clovis: Then well met!

Max: My thanks dear friend, though I hope you recover from your amnesia so Orlando from his.

Alfonso: No fear, our Clovis has the thickest skull since the Minatour. We need only pray Samantha comes around as did the Shrew.

Karen: I would understand if she wouldn’t be bowled over gentlemen, maybe she would. Though your fickleness Alfonso might just as well bring her to her senses.

Alfonso: What do you mean by that?

Karen: That you are fickle o my grahzny ooko’ed brother, I’ve always know it. Like a mariner just knows when what is written in the sky is bad news, I’ve known that you are far more light and forgetful with your favour than my dear Clovis- than almost any of the dross mortals who fawn and frolic prolix around you.

Alfonso: Karen!

Exit Karen and Clovis, Enter Sam

Sam: I see you’re still here

Max: I am

Sam: That is well

Alfonso: It is?

Sam: It is, though I had long thought it impossible for me to feel it so

Max: I dared not

Sam: That was well of you Maxemillian, you had always been humble in what you dared where I was concerned

Alfonso: But not me Samantha?

Sam: No Alfonso, not you. I always apologise for you but you have always dared to think you know me it seems. You dare to imagine me unchangeable, insensate, something that much be schemed and plotted around, like some quivering and terrible sentinel; with the fury of a harridan, the strength of a small mammal, the hearing of decrepit and the intelligence of a child.

Alfonso: From where is all this come? I demand to know! But a beat ago we were in love and all was well, I knew you all and this kind of invective was directed against him.

Max: As is only right? My old friend?

Enter Clovis and Karen

Alfonso: I never said that

Sam: Yes you did

Karen: You did

Clovis: You did not need to speak explicitly Alfonso, all things always with you are in your hidden writings.

Karen: He takes us for fools and thinks we can’t read him like a book. We were all happy to humour but you always need to push things

Alfonso: and what would you sage and you her idiot servant, both of you fools, know of such things?

Sam: Its all written here

Alfonso: The letter?

Max: That accursed letter

Karen: Reconstructed

Clovis: Pieced back together from the pieces that Max tore it into

Alfonso: He didn’t tear it, he gave it to me!

Sam: It found its way into my hands, the true copy of what was always in my head

Alfonso: It’s a lie, he gave me the true copy, to turn me against you, this is known, this is fact!

Karen: We don’t know anything

Alfonso: The first true word to escape your dead star’s maw this evening, what Clovis? Don’t like the way I describe your howler monkey’s flapping muzzle?

Clovis: Not particularly, no sir, why don’t you fuck off old boy!

Karen: Clovis stop it, the furrows of anger, though very dashing, are strange to the point of being alien to your brow. You can direct yourself to me Mr. Bagguchi

Alfonso: Do you think it a strength to stand so close to me? To over bear me so and confront me? To so turn on me? Do you think your sex protects you? By your own words, I assure you it is folly

Sam: Alfonso!

Alfonso: Hypocrite bitch!

Clovis: Don’t speak to her like that!

Alfonso: Don’t touch me, craven idiot!

Alfonso and Clovis start to struggle, Karen joins the fray and the three of them exit fighting. Max holds Sam back as she tries to go after them.

Sam: What is happening?!

Max: Everything, life is happening, can’t you feel it? It is a chemical reaction burning now in our veins, the truth is everywhere and its making itself known.

Sam: There isn’t any truth, you told me that yourself; of the everlasting No.

Max: Its true that our blood is now on fire, that heat is changing our lives; it is true that you are all I’ve ever wanted.

Sam: Why should that be? See, you can’t answer me, you look away like a saint in doubt but you will always deny me. Do you want a truth? No one can ever answer that question. People see want they want to see and what they want is just what they see, which has never been me.

There is a scream from off stage as Alfonso kills Clovis, dragging Karen and the body back on stage. Alfonso flings Karen under the table unconscious

Alfonso: You have the soul of a poet my love

Sam: What have you done my love?

Alfonso: Exactly what he wanted, this is the inevitable outcome of your scheming

Sam: You still blame him?

Alfonso: Who else is there to blame, I’ve never killed anyone before; he’s come back and suddenly, my world falls apart, what else can this mean but some sick and contrived plot?

Sam: Its you! You’ve always been the heart of schemes, petty little plots. You were always carping on about someone or other, always brooding away and acting as though we didn’t notice. I see now what has always been in your mind, what could have been left there and left alone if not you had dragged him back and exploded this all upon our stage! You look shocked. I am not the ignorant animal nor the depthless plane you had imagined? You might as well kill me too, the repugnance of the years wasted with you will if you do not

Max: Don’t touch her Alfonso! Its not her fault, be reasonable, this is Samantha Golightly, the reason for all this madness

Sam: You flatter me sir but it was never so, strike me down my love; have mercy for once in your coward’s life and strike me down

Alfonso embraces Sam, she gasps as though stabbed

Alfonso: For the last time, your wish is my command

Sam: You’re a pig Alfonso Bagguchi, its only ever been because you commanded so but I loved you all the same.

Alfonso: Then why did you break with me? So lightly, upon hearing some small truth long hidden and without knowing irrelevant? Am I now Mr Hyde in your eyes?

Sam: Its not that you are a monster but that you’re just like every man I’ve ever known

Sam dies, Alfonso drops her, then kisses the corpse

Alfonso: Which is the monstrous truth of Mr. Hyde.

Max: How could you? She more beautiful than the sun in film, so good natured and kind to you and I

Alfonso: This is what you wanted, the truth, the freedom, the emotion, the drama! What more spectacle and conflict is there than when love is forsworn and blood is spilled?

Max: So unreasoningly? Does death in so arbitrary a fashion make good drama? You speak aping Aristotle, you arse, what art is there in rage and killing so senseless

Alfonso: All of it and that which you desire most, is the most pointless sacrifice

Max: Am I too, to be sacrificial?

Alfonso hands Max a dagger

Alfonso: like old times Max, we shall burn together, completing this circle, this carmine labyrinth.

Max: Come then

They embrace, having stabbed each other, they die. A clock strikes, the sun which has slowly set over the course of the drama, blazes again through the windows. The words and actions of the proceeding are repeated, though the actors playing Max and Alfonso switch roles.

a clock strikes seven and a bright light, like a brilliant sunset fills the room.

Sam: Sir! I am shocked and deplored!

Alfonso: By what dearest Samantha?

Sam: By your bringing this monstrous gentleman, a man what hath cast such curses and oaths and such a weight of acrimony and vitriol about our neck, we felt, and we I emphasise, felt that we were as mssr Necker with a millstone of his monarch’s rancour at our throats. I refute him and detest his presence in our home, as should you.

Alfonso: It may have been that this was our home but in truth, I have not lived but existed only here for some time, I concede that the house is yours.

Max: Lady, truly I beg your indulgence

Sam: Do not even speak serpent! For to hear the conjectures of your forked tongue, that paternatural appendage that leads you to a kill, is to be beguiled and I have had quite enough of your magic.

Al: How can you say such things? How can you expect atonement, to find reconciliation, if you won’t even hear what he has to say?

Sam: I do not expect to, I expect him to be gone when I return

Exit Sam

Max: I am sorry to have brought you low in your love’s esteem my friend

Al: She was once beloved of you too, in a way and it was the bitterness of our rivalry which so ill disposes her toward you now

Max: If I could take back that latter I wrote to you, denouncing her, in the hope of shaking you off your courtship I would. What a fool I was, what a strange and torturous plan! If I could occupy that mind of mine when still I had that missive in my blackguard’s hands I would tear it to shreds and make them clean again.

Al: A convoluted plan, labyrinthine, even by your scholar’s standards.

Max: An intrigue born of desperation, piteous for all my hatred, that will find few equivalents even in literature. It was duplicitous, foolishly so but without guile. I must have been mad when I took upon it, why even I hold only a secondary memory of the night

Alfonso:Aeschyluscould not have painted your actions any more strange or tragically, casting you out as they did

Max: It is my firmest hope, that after today we can put that time behind us

Alfonso: By the mode of your speech it seems it is already labelled and put so to your mind, to mine as well; no fear old friend, she’ll come around, no fear of it.

Max: Its agreeable to hear you call me friend once more

Alfonso: Yes, as it is to utter the term to you but hark! I hear more friend’s footsteps in the hall

Enter Karen and Clovis

Karen: Maxemellian Artechoke, I didn’t expect to see you around these parts again, you old bastard

Max: Karen Schwab, I didn’t expect to you, you old bastard

Karen: Whatcha doing in these parts? You old bastard

Max: I could ask you the same question, you old bastard

Karen: You old bastard

Alfonso: Indeed, well at least we know that Karen bears you no more poisonous a flower than her wit

Karen: No fear, I found you squabbling over Samantha most diverting from my needle point and libations

Clovis: You’ve taken up needle point?

Karen: Oh Clovis, such a darling. To speak plainly you old blackguard, it put more than a few noggins in the framework of my treatise “Of the general inferiority of male emotional intelligence and the implications for a patriarchal society”

Alfonso: You have such a verve for rubric Ms. Schwab

Max: I haven’t read that one, where did you publish it?

Karen: My blog, bamblewheezy.com

Clovis: Hello! I’m Clovis Jones, a pleasure and I’m sure an honour to meet you, you old bastard.

Karen: See Mr. Bagguchi? Our dear sweet, innocent, Clovis gets it

Alfonso: Clovis, do you not recognise him?

Clovis: I fear, and do excuse me sir, that in troth; I do not.

Max: Clovis its me, Max, Maxy, Maxa Duke, Meglamillion

Clovis: Those pet names sound awfully rum but not reminiscent I’m afraid, its disgusting of me

Max: We’re, we were, friends ya old bastard…. no, you old bastard? We lived together Clovis

Clovis: alas labour has dulled and leisure much smudged my memory, which is not what it once was; I am sorry to have forgotten you, Max. Know my friend that I stand almost on an island and do not be insulted or injured I beg you.

Karen: We’ve been out on the wrought Maxy, he’ll remember once he has taken his cure

Alfonso: And what concoction have you whipped up to draw off its torpor this time o weird sister

Karen Schwab?

Karen: We shall feast on yoghurt, and a muesli of cranberries, walnuts, cashews, oats, rice puffs and sunflower seeds; along with as my chassies of rosie as I can persuade him to drink. All very good for slaking the organic fire that has over boiled his blood.

Max: Clovis, how do you know I’m a friend if you don’t remember me?

Clovis: You say it is so, besides I have something of a responsibility to give you credence; due to the debt incurred by my fault of recall

Karen: Oh Clovis, darling

Max: darling? I always knew you two would find a felicitous conclusion to the camaraderie, rich in warmth as apollonian breath, that I was so well joyed and privileged to bear witness to.

Karen: But Master Artechoke, we are comrades still

Clovis: So, Max? You have been absent from our circle of seraphs sometime? Ms Schwab and I have been lovers for several seasons now, though I think that I express a joint sentiment in saying in our delight we have been quite timeless, like a poet’s turtle doves or lilting blossoms; like starlight in fact so ancient but affect so bright, so fresh and immediate.

Karen: You the soul of a poet my love!

Alfonso: He’s got the soul of something, that’s for sure

Max: Yes dear Clovis Jones, I have been gone some time and it has not weight on me so easily as did the starlight on the nights of my exile. Your dear companion will no doubt furnish you with the history, when out of our dear friend’s earshot but to cut a long story short

Alfonso: Yes, please do! Right friends?

Karen: Alfonso!

Max: Its alright, Alfonso’s generosity has gone so far as to entertain me today and in troth our friends must be getting perplexed, hungry and needing to piss; it is only right that I be brief on what otherwise might be an epic of its own. Clovis, let me just say Clovis, I used to call you Clove, can I call you Clove? Clove, dear Mr. Bagguchi and I were rivals forthe heart of our mutual cohort, Samantha Golightly. The acrimonious hatred of our dispute, was sharp and bristling with well placed barbs as such a disagreement can only be between erstwhile friends; it is secondary only, to the belligerence of passion sundered brothers.

Clovis: But now the issue is settle and you return to us?

Karen: Evidently

Clovis: Then well met!

Max: My thanks dear friend, though I hope you recover from your amnesia so Orlando from his.

Alfonso: No fear, our Clovis has the thickest skull since the Minatour. We need only pray Samantha comes around as did the Shrew.

Karen: I would understand if she wouldn’t be bowled over gentlemen, maybe she would. Though your fickleness Alfonso might just as well bring her to her senses.

Alfonso: What do you mean by that?

Karen: That you are fickle o my grahzny ooko’ed brother, I’ve always know it. Like a mariner just knows when what is written in the sky is bad news, I’ve known that you are far more light and forgetful with your favour than my dear Clovis- than almost any of the dross mortals who fawn and frolic prolix around you.

Alfonso: Karen!

Exit Karen and Clovis, Enter Sam

Sam: I see you’re still here

Max: I am

Sam: That is well

Alfonso: It is?

Sam: It is, though I had long thought it impossible for me to feel it so

Max: I dared not

Sam: That was well of you Maxemillian, you had always been humble in what you dared where I was concerned

Alfonso: But not me Samantha?

Sam: No Alfonso, not you. I always apologise for you but you have always dared to think you know me it seems. You dare to imagine me unchangeable, insensate, something that much be schemed and plotted around, like some quivering and terrible sentinel; with the fury of a harridan, the strength of a small mammal, the hearing of decrepit and the intelligence of a child.

Alfonso: From where is all this come? I demand to know! But a beat ago we were in love and all was well, I knew you all and this kind of invective was directed against him.

Max: As is only right? My old friend?

Enter Clovis and Karen

Alfonso: I never said that

Sam: Yes you did

Karen: You did

Clovis: You did not need to speak explicitly Alfonso, all things always with you are in your hidden writings.

Karen: He takes us for fools and thinks we can’t read him like a book. We were all happy to humour but you always need to push things

Alfonso: and what would you sage and you her idiot servant, both of you fools, know of such things?

Sam: Its all written here

Alfonso: The letter?

Max: That accursed letter

Karen: Reconstructed

Clovis: Pieced back together from the pieces that Max tore it into

Alfonso: He didn’t tear it, he gave it to me!

Sam: It found its way into my hands, the true copy of what was always in my head

Alfonso: It’s a lie, he gave me the true copy, to turn me against you, this is known, this is fact!

Karen: We don’t know anything

Alfonso: The first true word to escape your dead star’s maw this evening, what Clovis? Don’t like the way I describe your howler monkey’s flapping muzzle?

Clovis: Not particularly, no sir, why don’t you fuck off old boy!

Karen: Clovis stop it, the furrows of anger, though very dashing, are strange to the point of being alien to your brow. You can direct yourself to me Mr. Bagguchi

Alfonso: Do you think it a strength to stand so close to me? To over bear me so and confront me? To so turn on me? Do you think your sex protects you? By your own words, I assure you it is folly

Sam: Alfonso!

Alfonso: Hypocrite bitch!

Clovis: Don’t speak to her like that!

Alfonso: Don’t touch me, craven idiot!

Alfonso and Clovis start to struggle, Karen joins the fray and the three of them exit fighting.

Max holds Sam back as she tries to go after them.

Sam: What is happening?!

Max: Everything, life is happening, can’t you feel it? It is a chemical reaction burning now in our veins, the truth is everywhere and its making itself known.

Sam: There isn’t any truth, you told me that yourself; of the everlasting No.

Max: Its true that our blood is now on fire, that heat is changing our lives; it is true that you are all I’ve ever wanted.

Sam: Why should that be? See, you can’t answer me, you look away like a saint in doubt but you will always deny me. Do you want a truth? No one can ever answer that question. People see want they want to see and what they want is just what they see, which has never been me.

There is a scream from off stage as Alfonso kills Clovis, dragging Karen and the body back on stage. Alfonso flings Karen under the table unconscious

Alfonso: You have the soul of a poet my love

Sam: What have you done my love?

Alfonso: Exactly what he wanted, this is the inevitable outcome of your scheming

Sam: You still blame him?

Alfonso: Who else is there to blame, I’ve never killed anyone before; he’s come back and suddenly, my world falls apart, what else can this mean but some sick and contrived plot?

Sam: Its you! You’ve always been the heart of schemes, petty little plots. You were always carping on about someone or other, always brooding away and acting as though we didn’t notice. I see now what has always been in your mind, what could have been left there and left alone if not you had dragged him back and exploded this all upon our stage! You look shocked. I am not the ignorant animal nor the depthless plane you had imagined? You might as well kill me too, the repugnance of the years wasted with you will if you do not

Max: Don’t touch her Alfonso! Its not her fault, be reasonable, this is Samantha Golightly, the reason for all this madness

Sam: You flatter me sir but it was never so, strike me down my love; have mercy for once in your coward’s life and strike me down

Alfonso embraces Sam, she gasps as though stabbed

Alfonso: For the last time, your wish is my command

Sam: You’re a pig Alfonso Bagguchi, its only ever been because you commanded so but I loved you all the same.

Alfonso: Then why did you break with me? So lightly, upon hearing some small truth long hidden and without knowing irrelevant? Am I now Mr Hyde in your eyes?

Sam: Its not that you are a monster but that you’re just like every man I’ve ever known

Sam dies, Alfonso drops her, then kisses the corpse

Alfonso: Which is the monstrous truth of Mr. Hyde.

Max: How could you? She more beautiful than the sun in film, so good natured and kind to you and I

Alfonso: This is what you wanted, the truth, the freedom, the emotion, the drama! What more spectacle and conflict is there than when love is forsworn and blood is spilled?

Max: So unreasoningly? Does death in so arbitrary a fashion make good drama? You speak aping Aristotle, you arse, what art is there in rage and killing so senseless

Alfonso: All of it and that which you desire most, is the most pointless sacrifice

Max: Am I too, to be sacrificial?

Alfonso hands Max a dagger

Alfonso: like old times Max, we shall burn together, completing this circle, this carmine labyrinth.

Max: Come then

They embrace and die. A clock strikes, this time the performers get up and all but Max and Alfonso exit, Alfonso goes back to masturbating under the table

Enter Sam

Sam: oh! Um, I suppose not but sure you won’t come to the shops?

Alfonso: Um, maybe

Max: Christ!

Enter Clovis and Karen

Sam: Thought you two were going about your business, move along now, move along sir!

Clovis: I just thought, fuck it

Karen: In the words of the scrivener, the epitome of passive resistance in the time of the tyranny of the individual! I would prefer not to, Samantha Golightly, you old bastard!

Alfonso: Well said

Clovis: Hats off!

Sam: Huzzah!

Enter Virgil Ovid

Virgil: Hello hello, I am Virgil Ovid, you might remember me from such repo rapture captures as the eviction of Belo Monte, the expulsion of Caine, the harrowing of the Polacks, the breaking of the Springfield Piano Tuners strike, the rape of the Sabine women, the Champs de Mars and the buy out of little old Mrs. Spiteri down the road. I viddy quite clearly from your astonished little nonce-counters, and yours my fine respectful quiet onlooking brother voyeurs, that you don’t know who I am. Am I right? Do you not know who I am?

Clovis: I know who you are!

Karen: No its not him Clovis

Virgil: I didn’t think so, then you don’t know why I’m here. Before you say anything, anything at all! Even you! My dear lady, yes I will alay all your fears. Clovis Jones, you are by the “power” (to use an archaic term) vested in me, released from the loathsome and earthly bonds o f your virtual indenture to Omnicorp, late of the grea Osiah, Moseley and sons. You, Samantha Golightly and Karen Schwab, are released from the odious temporal shekels of your plusgood behaviour bondage. Alfonso Bagguchi, you are relieved of the burden that being yourself and being left to your own devices has obviously become for you. And Maxemillian Artechoke, you are now a real boy!

Max: Golly gee! Is it true?

Alfonso: It is

Clovis: Who are you?

Max: Oh, I’m free! I’m free! Free of you and your sweaty little mind, I’m me, free of enduring in silence all of your wretched company. Oh, thank you Mr. Ovid, praise be, praise be to, to who exactly? Whoever holds power like this must be a god and need praising or a least my thanks, you know to give him, definitely him, more power!

Virgil: Max, there is no more power. This is our message and it is you. I am, I am from simulacrum.com. It is our decree, it is your decree (to use a figure of speech, grounded enough in the notion of a separate transmitter and receiver that you will understand it), is our decree that the dead shall be resurrected, all that is unreal shall be real and all that is real shall be remade; all shall be its own better, perfect copy, origin and double, light and substance.

Max: I accept your reign.

Virgil: Irrelevant

Karen: Your just a passing phase, the latest and hopefully the last of your kind before the end. The most and advanced and weasely of your mutations in our long material dialectic come about. There is still power, though it rusts in the hands of defunct ruling classes; a foundation is there, the power that has always been there, in the proletariat, yes Clovis there still one, you’re part of it, yes you are!

Virgil: Karen, dear, sweet Karen. Your spirit warms my heart, you sparkle; you truly do but your fire is out and the glittering of your words are the last reflections of a candle that didn’t even need to be snuffed out. Simulacraum.com has replaced, even in instinct, the social which you cling to and in so doing so will usher in what you might understand as socialism but through total equivalence, the reversibility of all concepts and the mediation of all experience.

Karen: With CEO BB at the centre? Right Right

Virgil: Your obsession with the extinct notion, the corpse of power is charming Karen but it clouds your judgement. Doublethink, still leaves room for a truth, ideology, certainly not so the new world, the ethnosphere I herald; because there, there is no source and so no opposition in any binary- no difference but infinite diversity.

Karen: I feel so cold

Alfonso: What do you want with us?

Sam: Will no one just leave us alone? Play your games elsewhere, none of you are interested in us

Virgil: Your habit has become legal, as all things must to secure all forms of behaviour under the frost blanket of security. We hold the lisence to the archaic little herb you place so much value on, I don’t know why when science can give you such a better high, the organic nuggets of sludge you grate over you otherwise ordinary lives

Sam: So you’re going to punish us too now? Well come on then dickface! Lets go, hand it out, Clovis get your cheque book out

Clovis: Cheque book?

Virgil: I don’t want your money, I’ll take it but I don’t need it

Sam: To the joliet with the lot of us then ay? Clovis, hand me my shiv

Clovis: I’ve got your shank, if that’s what you wanted

Karen: Maybe its off to the salt mines?

Clovis: Salt comes from a mine?

Alfonso: What do you want then?

Virgil: You, yourselves of course! To free you from your walk on parts in your desperate little wars, to make you the lead role on your own stage, our page. Your lives are forfit, to be junked and liquidated for any assets that may be realised from them; come! Exchange your struggling heat exchanges and secretions in the dark; you are all you have left but you can be so much more!

Song: Simulacra

Exit all

End

There should only be one live performance of this play, or only one per mounting. This performance will involve a very small audience seated in the centre of a ring of four outward facing HD cameras of the best quality available. These cameras should face out to the left, right, front and back of the audience (if possible a fifth should be arranged facing the ceiling) and the play will be performed 360° around them so elements of the performance are recorded by all four. Sound should be recorded in as high a quality as possible, for playback on a 3D sound setup. For all subsequent performances in a particular mounting of the play the video from these cameras will be used and no further live performances given. The videos should be projected onto large, wall sized sheets of perspex arranged into a cube structure. The videos should be projected from outside the cube so the audience inside, has no direct interaction with or view of the projectors. Each video should start with the title of the play in large black block letters and then change to read WELCOME before moving into the performance. If no fifth camera was available at the time of the performance or filming the ceiling contiguously proved impractical a video of a ceiling should be taken at a later date, or possibly even animated to be projected on the ceiling panel of perspex. It should be arranged so that some unrelated things occur on the ceiling to distract an audience further. The live performance should be conducted in a room of a house, with the set dressed in a very realistic and elaborate manner to include enough things for the various characters to break throughout the play to leave nothing by the end. There should be no cuts in the videos and as little editing as possible (ideally only to add the title and WELCOME screen to each video), the sound maybe be edited to improve the quality and better synch any soundtrack used in the live performance to the recorded one. The projection cube should be constructed either in the centre of an empty or abandoned warehouse people enter or as a piece of public art in a vacant lot or city square; however if being constructed in public it will require a waterproof outer shell to protect the projectors from the elements, this shell should be made from milk crates fitted with translucent material and a small light in each.